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So many women come to see me with the same complaint; they feel disconnected and disenchanted, cut off from something authentic and vital inside themselves. They describe being hyper-aware of what everyone else wants and needs but out of touch with their own wants and needs—simultaneously knowing who they are in all their roles to and for other people, but not who they are to and for themselves. Women long to connect with their own truth, but when their energy and attention have been so focused on others for so long, their experience and what they want can feel like an empty room they’ve never entered or, alternatively, a room so cluttered with everyone else’s ideas of what their experience should be and what they should want that they can’t hear their own still small voice.

Women often wake up at a certain age and find themselves missing from their own lives—without a self. While this selfless state may have long been heralded by others, and while they may have still created a good life filled with things they want and enjoy, nonetheless, they feel unfulfilled and under-nourished in the deepest sense, disconnected from a greater sense of meaning.

The “Likability Cage”

In The Emotionally Exhausted Woman, I wrote about this disconnection and what I called the “likability cage,” our belief that we need to take care of other people’s needs to be likable at all costs (even if the cost is our truth) to stay safe and be accepted. I investigated the ways we manage and police our wants, needs, and personalities—how we become whoever is wanted because it’s more important to keep the peace, maintain the relationship, and ultimately, be desired and safe from judgment.

As women, we’ve learned to vacate ourselves along the way to all these good things, good relationships, and good lives, to abandon ourselves in an effort to take care of ourselves and guarantee emotional safety. My intention in writing The Emotionally Exhausted Woman was to help heal this disconnection women describe so frequently, to empower women to be truthful, include their own wants and needs in their life choices, and build the courage to live as their authentic selves—not just their likable selves—fundamentally, to discover and connect with their truth and dare to live as if their truth actually matters.

Since writing the book, I’ve given countless talks and workshops and spoken to hundreds of women. Throughout this process, I’ve discovered that my work is indeed needed and wanted, and, at the same time, there’s further to go. To truly claim our lives and live (as the poet Mary Oliver says) our “one wild and precious life” we must do more than just change the way we think and relate to ourselves and others. We must also build a new relationship with and reconnect with our own bodies. We must re-inhabit our bodies and start living from the inside out, paying attention to and honoring our body’s experience and wisdom.

Through all the wonderful and painful conversations with women over this time, it’s become clear that we cannot experience our full potential and life energy, and cannot connect with ourselves in the deepest sense, just by recovering from our addiction to being liked, or just by learning to trust the truth more than being what’s wanted. It’s not possible to come home to ourselves just by stepping out of the likability cage. We must include all of ourselves if we are going to truly come home. I italicize “just” here because the process of learning to show up as who you are and the courage to trade in the guaranteed rewards that come with being likable for some as-yet-undiscovered benefit of being real is beyond brave and profound. To live from want, not should; speak your truth without apology; and stop managing your personality involves an indescribably courageous paradigm shift. If you never take another step on this journey, you’ve traveled an infinite distance, and your life is forever changed. Still, there’s more ground to travel.

Disconnection From Ourselves

Even when we’ve learned to give voice to our psychological and spiritual truth and walk our walk in the world, a fundamental split remains inside us. We’re still disconnected—from ourselves, still not living a fully integrated life, still not living from (or as) the whole of ourselves. The internal split is between our mind and our body. This primary split arises from a multitude of cultural, political, religious, and other factors. It starts from the time we’re very young, when we as women learn that our physical appearance is our most powerful asset when it comes to being accepted and belonging. If we can look a certain way and get our body into a particular shape, we can matter to others. With the right packaging, we are desired, successful, and, ultimately, happy. Who wouldn’t want all that? At the most basic (primal) level, physical attractiveness guarantees us survival.

And so, we start managing and policing our bodies, using our bodies to serve our primal need for safety and to belong and feel self-esteem. We objectify our bodies, turn them into things that are separate from who we are, valuable only in so far as they can make us powerful and popular, and wanted in relationship with others, all of which is far more important than staying connected to ourselves. In the process, we abandon our bodies and vacate the premises; our bodies then become mere calling cards to advertise our worth. In so doing, however, we leave our true embodied home, close the door on its riches, shutter the premises and move up into our head, and take up residence in the mental landscape, where some of us, sadly, live out the rest of our days.

We’re born connected to our own body. But we end up disconnected and disembodied for many reasons including, for women, the value placed on our appearance. To survive in this culture, we shift from an integrated life in which we listen to our senses and intuition and directly experience our life (rather than just interpret it), to a life as our body’s PR agent, managing the body from the outside but not actually living inside it. Our attention and energy are poured into the adornment and beautification of this self-object, but, sadly, we forget (and are rewarded for forgetting) that the body is also our home and an infinite source of our emotions, longings, wisdom, experience, and truth—in short, who we are.

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Activate Windows Easily with a Reliable Windows Activator

Activating Windows can sometimes be tricky, but with the right windows activator, it becomes much simpler. There are various Windows activation methods available that can help you activate your operating system without any hassle. Some people may wonder if it is possible to activate Windows without key. The answer is yes! There are several Windows activation solutions that allow you to do just that.

Using effective Windows activation tools can make the process smoother and faster. These tools are designed to help you manage your Windows activation software efficiently. Whether you are looking for a quick fix or a long-term solution, there are many options to choose from. It’s important to select a reliable activator to ensure your Windows remains activated and functions properly.

Understanding Windows Activators

Activating Windows is essential for using the operating system fully. Windows activators help users bypass the need for a product key. There are different Windows activation programs and techniques that can assist in this process. Understanding these options can make it easier to find the right solution for your needs.

What is a Windows Activator?

A Windows activator is a tool that helps you activate your Windows operating system. It acts as a Windows activation utility that can provide Windows license bypass options. Many users seek Windows activation assistance to ensure they are using the best methods available. With the right support, you can find effective Windows activation options that suit your requirements.

How Does KMS Activation Work?

KMS activation is a popular method for Windows operating system activation. The KMS activation method uses a KMS activator to connect to a server that verifies your Windows license. This process is part of various Windows activation strategies that help users maintain their software legally. Understanding how KMS works can help you make informed decisions about activating your system.

Benefits of Using Windows Activators

Using Windows activators can provide several benefits. One major advantage is gaining Windows full functionality access without needing to purchase a license. There are many Windows activation tips available to help you choose the right method. Additionally, you can find a free Windows activation tool that meets your needs. Exploring Windows activation alternatives can also lead to effective solutions for your activation challenges.

Windows 10 Activation Methods

There are several ways to activate Windows 10. Each method has its own advantages and can help you get your operating system running smoothly. Here are some common Windows 10 activation methods:

• Windows 10 activation tool: This is a software that helps you activate your Windows 10 easily.
• Windows 10 activator: A specific type of tool designed to bypass the need for a product key.
• Windows 10 Pro activation key free: Some users look for free keys to activate Windows 10 Pro.

Windows 10 Activator Overview

A Windows 10 activator is a helpful tool for users who want to activate their operating system without a product key. It can be part of various Windows activation software and systems. Here are some key points about Windows 10 activators:

• Windows activation software: These programs help manage the activation process.
• Windows activation systems: Different systems can be used to activate Windows.
• Windows activation solutions: Various solutions are available to help users activate their Windows 10.

Windows 10 Pro Activation Key Free Options

Finding a Windows 10 Pro activation key free can be challenging. However, there are several options available for users looking to activate their system. Here are some options to consider:

• Windows activation options: Different methods can help you activate Windows.
• Windows activation programs: Various programs can assist in the activation process.

KMS Client Setup and Activation Method for Windows 10 Pro

The KMS activation method is a popular choice for activating Windows 10 Pro. It allows users to activate Windows features easily. Here’s how it works:

• KMS activation method: This method connects to a server to verify your Windows license.
• Activate Windows features: Using KMS helps you unlock all the features of Windows.
• Windows activation process: The steps involved in activating Windows using KMS are straightforward.

Windows 11 Activation Solutions

Activating Windows 11 is important for using all its features. There are different Windows 11 activation methods you can use. Some people look for Windows 11 activation software to help them with this process.

Here are some common solutions:

• Windows 11 activator: A tool that helps you activate Windows 11 without needing a product key.
• Windows 11 activation key free: Some users search for free keys to activate their Windows 11.

Windows 11 Activator Overview

A Windows 11 activator is a helpful tool for users who want to activate their operating system easily. It can be part of various Windows activation tools. Here are some important points about Windows activation strategies:

• Windows activation assistance: Support is available to help you choose the best activation method.
• Windows activation techniques: Different techniques can be used for effective activation.

Windows 11 Activation Key Free Options

Finding a Windows 11 activation key free can be tricky, but there are options available. Here are some possibilities for users looking to activate their system:

• Windows activation solutions: Various solutions can help you activate Windows 11.
• Windows activation resources: Resources are available to guide you through the activation process.

Activation Capability and Benefits of KMS Activation Software

KMS activation software is a popular choice for Windows operating system activation. It offers several benefits. Here’s how it works:

• Windows operating system activation: KMS connects to a server to verify your Windows license.
• Windows activation techniques: This method is part of various techniques that help users activate their systems easily.

Using KMS can help you unlock all the features of Windows 11 efficiently.

Legal and Security Aspects of KMS Activation

When discussing KMS activation, it’s important to consider both legality and security. Understanding these aspects can help users make informed decisions about activating their Windows operating systems.

KMS activation legality is a significant concern for many users. It is essential to ensure that the method you choose complies with legal standards. Additionally, Windows activation security is crucial to protect your system from potential threats.

Is KMS Activation Legal and Secure for Windows Operating System?

The KMS activation method is widely used, but users often wonder about its legality. The legality of KMS activation can vary based on your location and the specific software agreements in place.

For those seeking Windows activation assistance, it’s important to verify that the method aligns with legal requirements. There are various Windows activation options available, and choosing the right one can help ensure compliance.

Activation Instructions for KMSPico 2025

KMSPico is a popular tool for activating Windows. If you are looking for KMSPico instructions, it’s essential to follow the steps carefully to ensure a smooth activation process.

The Windows activation process using KMSPico involves several steps. First, you need to download the KMSPico utility. After that, you can run the program and follow the on-screen instructions to activate your Windows operating system.

Here’s a simple list of steps for using KMSPico:

1. Download KMSPico from a trusted source.
2. Disable your antivirus temporarily.
3. Run the KMSPico setup.
4. Click the red button to start the activation.
5. Wait for the confirmation message.

Installation and Setup Guide

Installing and setting up Windows can be straightforward if you follow the right steps. The Windows activation process is an important part of this setup. Here are some common Windows activation methods you can use:

• Windows activation tools: These are programs that help you activate your Windows operating system.
• Windows activation techniques: Different methods can be used to ensure your Windows is activated properly.

How to Activate Windows 10 with Windows Activator?

To activate Windows 10, you can use a Windows 10 activation tool. This tool can help you activate Windows without needing a product key. Here’s how you can do it:

1. Download a reliable Windows 10 activator.
2. Run the activator on your computer.
3. Follow the instructions to activate Windows.

Using these steps, you can activate Windows without key issues. Remember to always choose trusted software for the best results.

How to Delete KMSPico Completely?

If you want to remove KMSPico from your system, follow these steps for KMSPico removal:

1. Go to your Control Panel.
2. Find KMSPico in the list of installed programs.
3. Click on it and select “Uninstall.”

For additional help, you can reach out for Windows activation support or Windows activation assistance. This can ensure that you remove KMSPico completely and safely from your computer.

Frequently Asked Questions

Many people have questions about Windows activation. Here are some common queries and their answers.

How can I activate my Windows for free?

Activating Windows for free is possible through various methods. Here are some options you can consider:

• Activate Windows without purchase: Some tools allow you to activate Windows without needing to buy a license.
• Free Windows activation tool: There are tools available that can help you activate your Windows for free.
• Windows activation alternatives: You can explore different methods that do not require a purchase.

Which Windows activator is best?

Choosing the best Windows activator can be challenging. Here are some factors to consider:

• Windows activation software: Look for software that is reliable and has good reviews.
• Windows activation methods: Different methods may work better for different users.
• Windows activation solutions: Consider solutions that have been proven effective by others.

How to activate Windows 10 via phone?

Activating Windows 10 via phone is a straightforward process. Here’s what you need to do:

• Windows activation process: Follow the steps provided during the activation.
• Windows activation support: If you need help, reach out for support.
• Windows activation assistance: There are resources available to guide you through the phone activation process.

How Long Does Windows 10 KMS Activation Last?

KMS activation is a popular method for Windows activation. Here’s what you should know:

• KMS activation duration: Typically, KMS activation lasts for a specific period before needing renewal.
• Windows activation techniques: Different techniques can affect how long the activation lasts.
• Windows activation resources: You can find resources that explain KMS activation duration in detail.

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“When we can’t stop thinking about all the things that will need to be figured out at some point in the future, it can be an act of supreme self-kindness to remind ourselves that we only have to and only can, in fact, manage the situation for today—just today. We cannot figure out what will be needed or wanted in the future. We don’t have the information to decide that yet, so it’s best to not go there until we know more.” ~Nancy Colier, LCSW, Rev.

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After a recent visit to meet with an architect to discuss remodeling their home, Jon angrily accuses his wife Anna of treating him like a child, like his input on the project and all “grown-up” decisions is irrelevant. Jon tells Anna that she was dismissive at the appointment, took away his power, and made him feel “like a nobody.”

When Anna recounts the visit, she describes how Jon, as soon as they sat down with the architect, lowered his eyes to the floor “like a beaten dog,” and went completely silent. After some time (throughout which Jon remained silent), Anna explicitly asked that he participate in this important family decision, saying that she wanted and needed his important input. While Jon agrees that Anna did in fact ask him to get involved, he stays true to his narrative and claims that his wife had already dismissed him by that point, and nothing he said would have mattered anyway.

In unpacking this interaction, and any interaction that smells like projection, it’s important to consider the history. Jon is a smart and energetic man who describes his career as one of “consistent failures.” He’s been unable to create any power or importance for himself professionally and just recently, he was passed over for yet another important job for which he thought he was qualified. Stepping back in time, Jon’s father was emotionally abusive, an aggressive bully, someone who didn’t care about or respect anyone’s thoughts or feelings besides his own. When Jon mustered the courage to voice an opinion or desire that was different from his father’s, he was humiliated and invalidated, and told that his ideas were childish, silly, and wrong.

Knowing all that, how is Anna to respond when Jon accuses her of dismissing him, and blames her for treating him like someone whose opinion doesn’t matter? What is she to do with the fact that her husband, whom she loves and whose experience of her matters, believes this bad thing about her, something so far from her own truth and contrary to what she actually feels? It’s a huge disconnect and a hard place to withstand, much less navigate.

Our first instinct, when blamed, is to defend ourselves. It’s a survival mechanism; our ego feels threatened. The intentions and actions we are being assigned feel dangerous to our sense of self. In the case of projection, they also feel unfair, untrue, and hurtful. We feel misunderstood and misjudged, and angry that our partner is refusing to take responsibility for their own stuff. And so we try to convince our partner that we’re not the bad person we’re being accused of being. And sometimes, we attack back, because we feel aggressed, and because it all feels so unfair. These are natural and instinctive responses, designed to protect us from harm; primal in that sense, but nonetheless, they do little to make the relationship better.

Responding rather than reacting when your partner (or anyone) is projecting onto you requires profound awareness, centeredness, empathy, patience, and skill. It requires a lot, but it is doable. Even if you succeed at implementing just one of these virtues and skills, it’s a huge win, a step towards growth—for you and for the relationship.

Let’s start with awareness, the essential soil from which all change grows. Awareness, for Anna, would mean recognizing that her husband’s feelings of irrelevance were there long before the architect’s meeting and are about far more than her or the event to which he’s attaching them. It would mean realizing, too, that she didn’t cause Jon’s pain and most importantly, isn’t responsible for taking it away (and couldn’t even if she tried). But at the same time, awareness means acknowledging with compassion that, regardless of how unskillfully he is expressing it, her husband is suffering and trapped in a painful storyline about his self-worth. Awareness entails being able to hold all of those truths, all at once, and still behave mindfully and with intention.

I want to be clear, however: awareness is not an opportunity to play amateur therapist or assume a position of authority in the relationship. As in, “You’re just projecting; this is your stuff; none of this is about me so deal with it on your own.” Awareness is not a weapon to be used against your partner. That would be awareness used unskillfully and unkindly, awareness used without awareness, and usually with very negative results.

This awareness is also not a green light to disown your part in the relationship. Recognizing that your partner is reliving a core wound (and blaming you for it) doesn’t mean that you may not, also, have contributed to their experience in some way. While it may be true that your partner is projecting, and also that they are choosing to be mean to you (as much as you can choose anything when deep in the trance of pain), you can, still, be curious about your own behavior. Did you in some way, perhaps unintentionally, contribute to their suffering?

When you’re aware of what your partner is emotionally carrying, you can be more sensitive and speak directly to it (as Anna did when she asked Jon for his input at the dealership). This does not mean that it’s your job to heal your partner’s pain; it isn’t. The burden is not on you to protect them from their wounds, keep them from being set off, and thereby stave off their projection. And yet, being sensitive to your partner’s wounds, what they’ve lived and suffered, is an integral part of partnership, and what we can do for each other in relationship. What makes a loving relationship loving, and different from other relationships to some extent, is that we are aware of and sensitive to each other’s wounds, and mindful to not re-wound each other in the places that hurt the most. Ultimately, it is because we care about our partner and don’t want them to suffer. Awareness, mindfully employed, is an opportunity to deepen your empathic connection with your partner (even in the face of projection).

Awareness is the first step, but what to do with your awareness becomes the real question. In Part 4 of this series, I’ll address the practice of putting awareness into action and language, moving the conversation from blindness, blame, and defensiveness to something more loving, conscious, and with the possibility of creating change. Know this too: regardless of whether your partner can hear or receive your attempts to change the relational dynamic, just trying to be more mindful and behave differently is already changing you, and in so doing, changing the relationship.

In Part 4, I will also lay out some strategies for staying separate from the accusations coming at you, grounded in your own innocence, and resisting the urge to defend yourself and hurt your partner back. And also, strategies for keeping your awareness wide when your partner’s has shrunk down into a nut, and your own heart open when your partner’s heart has sealed shut. And if that weren’t enough of a challenge, doing all of this while being accused of doing bad things you didn’t do, and being treated unfairly and unkindly. At the risk of repeating myself, I will: there’s nothing easy about any of this; it takes profound willingness, courage, intention, patience, skill, and practice. The mere attempt at staying present in the face of projection is valiant and admirable. But here’s the good news: it is doable. Stay tuned.

The post What to Do When Your Partner Projects Their “Stuff” Onto You appeared first on Nancy Colier.

Bob often gets angry and accuses his wife of overlooking and dismissing him, to which she defends herself, claiming that her behavior has nothing to do with him, that she’s just being the confident and independent woman that she is. But Bob remains convinced that it’s Jan who’s deliberately disappearing him, and that she’s responsible for his feelings of irrelevance and humiliation.

Bob is a 51-year-old, highly intelligent, well-educated, and ambitious man. He was raised in a tiny midwestern town, with parents who were absent in all ways imaginable: physically, mentally, and emotionally. They took no interest in Bob whatsoever. Professionally, Bob has spent his life creating projects, both artistic and business-oriented. Despite his great intelligence, original ideas, and hard work, he hasn’t (as of yet) been able to build any of these projects into a career that provides him with recognition or acknowledgment. He also, for that matter, has not yet been able to translate his efforts into financial stability or true independence. He calls himself a “failure” and suffers with shame and low self-esteem, which makes it hard for him to form close friendships. Bob has struggled his whole life, trying to create a place for himself in the world, one where he matters and his talents and wisdom are seen, validated, and respected.

From what Bob describes, Jan is a woman in her late forties who’s built a successful career as an illustrator. An award-winning, highly-respected artist in the publishing and music industries, she’s a sought-after artist who gets to make her own choices on the projects she takes on and how much she gets paid (which is a lot).

While Bob acknowledges that Jan has worked hard for and earned her success, he’s also quick to point out that the only difference between him and her is that the “universe” has rewarded her efforts and not his.

Bob also acknowledges that Jan is a confident and highly likable woman who makes friends and connections easily. She was raised in a financially well-off family, which has allowed her and Bob to enjoy (and provide their kids with) a comfortably cushy lifestyle. There’s no question that Bob respects and adores his wife, but it’s also clear that he resents her. He believes that life has come easier for Jan and that her success is just part of her privilege. While he, on the other hand, was offered nothing—no guidance and no support.

The relational framework from which Bob operates, namely, that his wife is making him feel humiliated and irrelevant (and choosing to do so), is, in fact, very common in relationships. We blame those people we’re closest to for causing our feelings and conflate our experience with their intention to create it.

Different people trigger different feelings in us, and specifically, different feelings about ourselves. Our narrative of the other person, and most importantly, who we are in comparison with the person we’ve constructed in our narrative, then creates a particular self-experience, an identity that crystallizes in their company.

Rather than own our feelings and acknowledge the source of our vulnerability, shame, anger, or whatever else we’re feeling, we decide that the other person is responsible for making us feel our difficult feelings. We disown our own shame and insecurity and project it onto the other person; we are not insecure…they are responsible for it; they are the ones doing it to us.

Bob struggles with powerlessness and humiliation as a general theme in his life. And yet, he needs to believe that his wife is responsible for these feelings. His humiliation is not about him, and not about what he’s (sadly) experienced in his life, or for that matter, what he’s been able to generate and make happen for himself.

There’s no question that other people affect how we feel; we are not islands. And yet, when we hand responsibility off to others for our own difficult feelings, for creating them in us, we effectively escape and reject responsibility and authorship for our own life. In so doing, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity for self-compassion—to acknowledge what we’ve lived and how we got to these feelings, which would then allow the feelings to transform and heal. Simultaneously, making our suffering something the other person is doing to us deprives us of the opportunity for autonomy and ultimately, growth. If our shame, inadequacy, rage, or whatever else were to be about us, about what we’ve actually lived, then we can get on with the job of changing it, creating a different life and different experience of ourselves.

In Bob’s case, as long as his sense of failure still belongs to his wife, if it’s still her casting failure upon him, nothing can, or will, change for Bob.

This example may sound obvious, but projection in the face of the obvious happens all the time and causes unimaginable stress and conflict in intimate relationships. If the partner being projected onto is not incredibly conscious, present, and grounded in the moment it’s happening, they can easily fall into the trap of defending themselves and going into battle to prove their innocence, which is never productive or affirming.

Some of it is just biology: the ego’s survival instinct gets activated when we’re accused of something and triggers a kind of fight-or-flight response in the nervous system. Being told we’re responsible for (and intentionally creating) bad feelings in another person we care about launches us into a defense or counter-attack—into proving that we’re not to blame, and not the bad person we’re accused of being.

This cycle of projection and defense keeps our relationships stuck and keeps us stuck in our own evolution. We focus on our partner and what they’re doing to cause our experience. We devote our attention and energy to how they need to change—to fix our pain and make us feel differently. We insist that a different reality exists, one in which we don’t feel what we feel, a reality that we imagine our partner controls and could create for us…if only they were different.

In part 2 of this series, I will look at ways to break out of this cycle of projection and defense, both for the projector and the projected upon and how to free ourselves from this repetitive loop that leads to conflict, disconnection, and, in a word, suffering. We’ll look at how to move our relationships to a more evolved, conscious, and harmonious state.

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In part 1 of this two-part series, I described the frustration, confusion, and pain that certain people can trigger in us, sometimes for an entire lifetime. Often, these people remain in our lives because they’re family or part of some other important community. Sometimes, we even want to see these people for other reasons, because, as human beings, we’re complicated and contradictory by nature.

It’s a challenge to keep a sense of calm and inner peace with someone who triggers you if their very presence sends your nervous system into a code-red emergency. I’m often asked whether there are ways to stay grounded when faced with the people who trigger us and whether there are strategies for making these triggering interactions less painful and disruptive even if our nervous system is telling us that danger is imminent.

In working with clients on some version of this issue for nearly three decades, in addition to working with my own triggering people along the way, I’ve discovered a few practices that are immeasurably helpful.

1. Investigate Your Feelings and Beliefs

This practice is about getting curious and precise about the thoughts and feelings that this person’s company triggers in you. We tend to assign blanket descriptions to our experience, such as “She makes me feel anxious” or “I hate being with her” or some other generalized description of an emotional experience that’s really quite subtle and refined. Often, this experience contains a whole life story.

It’s important to get under these blanket descriptions and into what exactly you feel in this person’s company. Is it shame, guilt, humiliation, sorrow, inadequacy, helplessness, or rejection? What’s the felt sense? And what are the narratives and beliefs that echo in your mind as a result? What specifically do you believe about the world and yourself in this person’s company?

The purpose of getting specific about these thoughts and feelings isn’t to better figure out what this person did to you; it’s about opening up a deeper level of empathy, compassion, and understanding for yourself. To truly empathize with your own suffering, you have to know what you’re offering empathy for and sometimes even how and why these specific emotions and narratives came into existence.

Once you’re aware of the direct experience being triggered in you and the exact nature of the feelings you’re reliving, you can be compassionate for yourself and even hold onto that self-loving energy as you’re being triggered.

On a practical level, when in this person’s company, you can literally and symbolically hold yourself by putting a hand on your heart or belly, perhaps casually enough that it isn’t noticeable, as a gesture of kindness toward yourself. This is a way of saying to yourself, “This is hard, I’ve got you.” You can acknowledge silently (or out loud in the bathroom) what’s happening inside you.

Also, in getting ready to see this person, remind yourself that being in their company will probably kick off these feelings and that you may not feel like yourself again until you’re out of their company. Wish yourself safe travel and passage. You can say something such as this: “Remember, sweetheart, being with her sets off that feeling of shame and guilt—for something unknowable. It’s OK; it’s just an old tripwire. It will happen, and it will pass.”

Or maybe, “There wasn’t any reason for you to feel ashamed then, and you have nothing to feel ashamed of now.” Or a straightforward “You’re not guilty, you’re not guilty, you’re not guilty…” What words would have helped that younger version of you that was originally triggered so long ago? What did she need to hear and know? Tell yourself that now—with love.

2. Accept the Experience

A critical part of process is also acceptance—accepting that these big and sometimes overwhelming feelings are going to arise with this person. That’s just how deep pain and emotional trauma work in the body; it’s not something you can talk yourself out of or convince yourself not to experience. To do so would be like trying to figure out how to not pull away when you touch a burning hot pot. The part of the brain that holds these painful memories and emotions essentially hijacks the person you are now.

Consequently, your brain and body can no longer distinguish between what’s happening now and what was happening when the trauma was actually occurring. The triggering person initiates a kind of nervous system hack, an internal code red in which your neurological channels get short-circuited and the emotional emergency system takes over. In your brain and body, you’re deposited back into the scene of the trauma—as if it were happening now.

No matter what you may know is appropriate or needed for the situation at hand, in that triggered brain, the same states of feeling and survival strategies that existed then are what are present and available now.

Remind yourself that this is just how the body works; it’s not up to you and it’s not your fault.

The return of these strong and painful feelings and the helplessness they sometimes initiate isn’t a failing on your part. Remind yourself, too, that these feelings will pass. This is just how it goes when you’re a human. Becoming aware of the specific feelings that this person triggers in you and how these feelings came to be and then offering yourself unconditional compassion and understanding is step one. Step two is expecting and accepting that you’ll be triggered by this person, regardless of whether you want to be, and that it’s not in your control. And there’s also a third step to consider, and it may be the most important step of all.

3. Surrender and Move On

You’re taught from the time you’re young that showing up for these difficult relationships is meaningful and valuable. Showing up is a testament to your strength, open-heartedness, and character—your willingness to evolve and forgive. You’ve been taught to believe that you should continue to see this person and that you should be able to see them without getting triggered.

If you look closely, there’s often a buried hope that no matter how many times you’ve gone to the stove and gotten burned, this time will be different. You hope you’ll be different or that they’ll be different or that reality will be different.

The third step is surrender, which may not sound like a positive or strong thing to do. In truth, it’s often the best and most freeing thing we can do for ourselves. Surrender is giving yourself permission to stop touching the stove, to stop putting yourself in this person’s orbit and experiencing this feeling of danger. You accept what reality keeps showing you, that this person generates pain for you and that it’s not your fault.

Regardless of why or how or whether it should be happening, the reality is that when you’re with this person, you feel bad again and again. You’ve tested this system enough times, played out enough strategies, exhausted enough hopes and prayers, and fought with this reality long enough. You’ve felt the same fire burn you the same way enough times. It’s OK to surrender to reality and choose a different path. It’s OK to not see this person anymore and stop putting yourself in harm’s way. It’s OK to say “no.” You may believe that you have to keep trying to change what makes you uncomfortable, to make it different from the way it is, but, in fact, you don’t have to change it, and you don’t have to keep trying.

It is the way it is.

You’re allowed to stop trying to prove that you can keep this person in your orbit and be OK with it. You can acknowledge that this isn’t even something you want to do. It’s a powerful practice just to honor your wish to not suffer anymore.

You’re not necessarily earning any points by putting yourself in situations with people who make you feel bad. The harder and more spiritually challenging and transformative choice may, in fact, be to stop trying to have a different experience. Instead, what if you were to choose to do the really challenging thing and be fiercely kind to yourself—to give yourself what you actually want and live by what feels loving and supportive? Do you have the courage to make that choice?

There comes a time in life when we’re ready to let go of the endless attempts and demands to be the person we should be. We wouldn’t judge an alcoholic who doesn’t want to go out to pub night with friends after work, so why would we judge ourselves for avoiding a situation that triggers a similar intractable habit of being? Maybe you can let yourself just be and can welcome and love the whole miracle and catastrophe that you are.

The post How to Stay Grounded When Faced With Those Who Trigger Us appeared first on Nancy Colier.

And so we went to work. Through the practice of mindfulness, Lina learned to witness her thoughts; she discovered a separate place inside herself from which to watch her mind and hear what her thoughts were telling her. She became the listener to her thoughts rather than the thinker, and in the process, she unlocked a deep and much-needed sense of peace.

However, when we attempted to bring this same sort of mindful detachment to her emotions, it was a much harder and more painful process. While most of us can get the hang of witnessing our thoughts and understand their purpose, it’s far more challenging and even threatening for us to detach from and take a witness seat to our emotions. It turns out that we’re even more attached to and identified with our emotions than we are to our thoughts, and we’re pretty darned attached to our thoughts.

To take a step back for a moment, while I’m using the terms emotions and feelings interchangeably, technically, they’re different phenomena. An emotion is a chemical response in the body, a physical process that includes brain activity and hormonal changes that we’re unaware of. On the other hand, a feeling is something we’re aware of, a state of mind that generally comes in response to an emotion or thought.

But for the purposes of this article and limited space, I will use both terms to refer to what we generally call a feeling. That is, an internal experience that’s mental, physical, and also conscious. Emotions and feelings, as I’m using the two terms here, are those sensations we experience as deeper than thought, taking place in the whole body, and associated with the heart rather than just the head.

Interestingly, we’re open to the idea that who we are is not our thoughts, but we are incredibly resistant to the idea that who we are is not our emotions. We can accept that our thoughts might not always be true, believable, important, or even ours to decide. But, we are firmly convinced that our emotions are true and of great importance. We can let a thought float through our mind without engaging it or paying it much mind, but that same willingness doesn’t apply when it comes to our feelings. Feelings are what define us (or so we’ve been taught) and, therefore, must be given our full attention and reverence.

When we feel sadness, we say we are sad; when we feel happiness, we say we are happy; we imagine that we are our emotions. We imagine that our emotions hold some fundamental truth about our experience and contain important clues to our deepest nature. We view our emotions as the keys to the castle of who we are.

Our emotions, as we’ve learned to relate to them, are manifestations of our life experiences. They hold our suffering and also our joy; emotions are our heart’s way of carrying and expressing our life. To detach from our emotions would be to lose some primal part of ourselves, to relinquish everything we’ve endured, suffered, and enjoyed. To relate to our emotions with a sense of separation would, ultimately, be to abandon who we are.

Simultaneously, we imagine that our feelings are what cause us to suffer. In fact, it’s not the feelings themselves that make us suffer, but rather the way we relate to them. We attach and identify with our feelings, costing us our emotional freedom and happiness. We don’t experience suffering so much as we suffer our experience.

We immediately construct a narrative to explain why the feeling is there, to make sense of it, and fit it into a larger self-story, thereby adding layers of made-up meaning, complexity, and usually suffering to it. When a feeling arises, we give it permission to consume us and control our state of being. We think it’s that important.

In truth, our emotions are not as important, solid, or revelatory as we imagine them. They are more like weather patterns that move through our consciousness, constantly changing, coming and going without our permission. Some are strong and dark. Others are light and breezy; we can feel excited, sorrowful, frustrated, anxious, and joyful, all in the matter of an hour or, for some of us, a minute.

Often they happen without any identifiable cause and are simply remnants of old memories and conditioning. At times, the intensity of a feeling will match the situation; at other times, it won’t. Sometimes feelings are in alignment with what’s true, and sometimes not. But what’s certain is that feelings are not facts.

The point is that we don’t choose our emotions and don’t have to relate to them with unshakable respect and fear. We don’t have to surrender to them simply because they appear. Our emotions don’t hold the keys to our happiness or well-being. Furthermore, we don’t have to investigate or marinate in every feeling that shows up. Having a feeling doesn’t mean we have to get busy feeling it, or spend the weekend with it.

Like thoughts, feelings pass—if we let them. If we don’t assign them the highest importance and meaning, latch onto them and go for the ride they’re offering. If we don’t build them into narratives about us and our life. Essentially, they will pass if we don’t relate to them as who we fundamentally are.

To free yourself from the tyranny of your emotions, start by first just becoming aware of your emotions—actually paying attention to the feelings moving through your inner world. We can’t change anything until we’re aware of it. Sitting at your desk, taking a shower, driving, or doing anything, really, get in the habit of turning your inner lens on your own internal landscape.

Throughout the day, pause and ask yourself, “At this moment, what feelings are present inside me?” Note to yourself, “Oh, I see the weather of sadness is here, or, the winds of irritation are passing through.” Pay attention to where and how they’re showing up in your body. What’s important is that you do this without getting involved in the storylines attached to the feelings, the who and what they’re about, and why they’re here.

Just notice the feelings on their own, name them if it helps, again, without diving into or identifying with them. Notice how quickly they can move through you, change, and disappear—when you maintain your witness seat. When you finish practicing this awareness of your emotions, bring your attention back to your breath, to sound, or to the sensations in your body. Come back to the present moment and what’s happening here now.

Remember that you didn’t build this reverence for your emotions overnight, and you’re not going to undo it overnight. Keep practicing awareness; keep watching your feelings come and go; keep practicing noticing without engaging, building the you that’s not defined by your emotions. As you practice, your life will change, and so will you.

The post How to Have a Healthy Relationship With Your Emotions appeared first on Nancy Colier.

He seemed relieved and excited to have her on board. The only real downside to accepting the position was that it would move her career and build her expertise in a direction that she didn’t want to pursue long-term. But she needed a job and decided to go for it and work on being grateful for having a job at all.

Three days before her start date, Maya received an unexpected and exciting opportunity in precisely the field she wanted to pursue; it was a chance to grow with a smart organization in the area she was most passionate about. In short, her dream job. And yet, as delighted as she was to be offered the position, she had decided to turn it down and stick with the original offer, the job that she didn’t really want.

When I asked Maya the obvious: Why she would take the job she didn’t want over the one she wanted, she said: “I feel too guilty to pull out at this point. My supervisor would be too disappointed.” She explained that he’d been so accommodating with her difficult childcare situation and would be upset and angry if she didn’t take the position. To take the job she really wanted wouldn’t be fair to him. He had, after all, stopped looking for someone after she’d accepted.

I’ve worked with women for nearly three decades; while I was saddened by Maya’s decision, I wasn’t surprised by it. Maya did what she thought would best take care of her supervisor, even though it wasn’t the choice that best took care of her. It’s what we do as women—take care of other people’s experience. While it’s wonderful and nourishing to care for other people, the problem is that we do it—too often, at the expense of our own care, our own wants, and needs. We do it because we don’t feel like we have the choice to not do it.

To survive physically, animals need to belong to a herd, they don’t want to be left behind and eaten; humans also need to belong to survive emotionally. We ensure our belonging when we’re liked and when we succeed at making other people happy. We feel guilty when we fail to be what other people want, and struggle to like ourselves when other people are disappointed by us, or far worse, because of us. Managing (and positivizing) other people’s experience of us then becomes our primary concern, to be liked and to keep us emotionally safe.

From the time we’re young, we’re conditioned by society, family, media, and every other institution to be sweet, accommodating, and selfless. As girls, we’re celebrated for giving our brother the bigger cookie and keeping the broken, smaller one for ourselves. Generosity is a wonderful trait and people who practice it are often happier overall. But the problem is that our energy is used up keeping other people pleased and making sure they perceive us positively. And the result is that we end up depleted and drained of authenticity and our natural vitality.

How do we break free from the belief that we are responsible for everyone else’s experience, and unravel the conditioning that’s taught us that we’ve failed if we allow anyone to be uncomfortable or disappointed (other than ourselves)? And furthermore, that making other people happy is our best option for making ourselves happy?

The first step is awareness—awareness is freedom. In this case, it means becoming aware of how vigilantly we take care of everyone else even when it comes at our expense. We notice our assumption that it’s our job to keep everyone else okay regardless of what it does to our own well-being. The reason to become aware of our conditioned habits and beliefs is so that we can stop acting them out. We can change our behaviors and start taking care of ourselves for real and becoming more than just likable.

After awareness comes courage: the courage to pay attention to our own wants and needs and put our wants and needs on the priority list, without judging and shaming ourselves for daring to believe and behave as if we also matter. It’s not about caring for other people less, but rather adding ourselves to the list of those who matter. In so doing, we need to be willing to risk the judgments, labels, and disappointment that will come when we stop managing other people’s experiences so rigorously. It’s okay when other people do not get what they want; we do not have to fix it, apologize for it, or take the blame for it.

We break the habit and compulsion to be pleasing by taking responsibility for our own experience but at the same time surrendering responsibility for how our experience is received by everyone else. To do this, we have to start practicing telling the truth, simply saying what’s real for us, without sweetening, apologizing, or adding anything on. We do this so that other people will be okay with it. We start living a more authentic and invigorating life when we start being honest (out loud) about what’s true for us and what we want and need, and letting the chips fall where they may—without controlling the results.

Neither awareness nor telling the truth happen overnight. We start small, noticing the tiny ways we adjust and massage our truth to make people happy, giving ourselves what we want in little ways that don’t affect anyone else’s wants. We work our way up to the big stuff, one moment at a time.

The fact is, we can tell the truth and also care about other people’s experiences. While our conditioning teaches us that it’s mutually exclusive: either we care about ourselves or we care about others; either we’re a good and caring person or we’re selfish. These are our only options as women. But this idea is false and the very system that keeps us believing that it’s wrong and indulgent to take care of our own needs. We can tell our truth and also care about other people’s experiences; empathy and honesty actually make a beautiful handshake.

Practice putting yourself on the list of people who matters, whose needs matter; practice telling the truth and not micro-managing everyone else’s experience.

My hunch is that your relationships will grow and deepen and that you will have more energy to be genuinely empathic. Most importantly, with your wants and needs, your truth treated as important (by you) you will start living a more authentic life, being a more authentic you, and feeling genuinely alive.

The post Self-Care Is Not Selfish appeared first on Nancy Colier.

Caught in Indecision

We get caught in thoughts about what could go wrong with each choice and talk ourselves around in circles. But all this thinking keeps us anxious, distracted, and stuck. In the end, our indecision guarantees that nothing happens—or that we have no active role in what happens.

Like many people, you may believe there’s a right and wrong decision to be made. You may imagine a set of predetermined events written in the universe’s playbook with vastly different realities waiting to unfold depending on your choices. Life in this frame is a game show in which you constantly have to choose between door No. 1 and door No. 2. You’ll either end up with a new car or a can of baked beans.

The underlying belief is that it’s up to you to figure out the right choice—the one that will ultimately make you happy. If your choice doesn’t make you happy, if you end up with the can of beans, then you messed up and picked the wrong door.

But what if trying to figure out which choice leads to the best future isn’t the best way to make a difficult decision? And, furthermore, what if the rightness of your choice doesn’t rest on whether you get what you think you want?

In fact, when you’re feeling unclear, ambivalent, or conflicted about a choice, there’s a more useful gauge for choosing a course of action—one that has nothing to do with predicting which choice will lead to a desired outcome. After all, sometimes we desire the wrong things, and sometimes the things we want to avoid turn out to be the best things that ever happened to us.

The truth is, you can’t know the results of the decisions you make because those results don’t actually exist yet. There’s no answer to know. What will be depends on an infinite number of other people, places, things, and other unknowns—elements that are not in your control. You can’t figure out the future, because whatever future you imagine is just one among an infinite number that could unfold. There’s no set result waiting for you to choose or reject.

Opportunities for Growth

Don’t ask yourself, “What’s the right decision?” This question doesn’t lead you to a useful answer. Trying to figure that out keeps you stuck and anxious. The question that will help you move forward when faced with a hard choice is “What are the growing opportunities that each choice offers?” Then ask yourself which of these growing opportunities most interests you.

Jenny was contacted by a recruiter who offered her a new job. While she enjoyed her current work, was well paid, and had built a solid career in her current position, the new position offered a chance to learn a different set of skills that she thought might be more marketable in the long term. The new opportunity also felt compelling as a potential step into a fresh and promising field. But it was also daunting, and she knew it would be demanding of her effort and time.

Jenny felt utterly confounded by the decision, unable to pick a path. She was obsessively making pro and con lists and playing out possible outcomes, the majority of which were fictional. But she was convinced that there was a right choice that would lead to all the cash and prizes life had to offer. And, simultaneously, she believed a wrong choice would lead her on a path to disappointment and regret. From this view, the trajectory of her future was already set; she just had to pick which door to walk through.

In Jenny’s mind, her future had little to do with the countless other choices she was going to make along the way, the people she was going to meet, and all the other elements life would present. What was going to happen for her wasn’t a process or an unfolding. It wasn’t interdependent with everything and everyone else. At that moment, her future seemed to rest on one thing: this decision. So, she kept going around and around, unable to decide.

Jenny was asking herself the wrong question, and, so, I asked her a different one. Namely, I asked her to describe the challenges and opportunities that each of her choices offered her.

Jenny started by explaining that she’d always driven herself to do whatever scared her the most. The harder a situation, the more she felt she had to do it. Her operating principle had always been to never let fear control her. Taking the new job felt like an opportunity to once again push herself past her comfort zone, which would force her to grow and get stronger.

This was a kind of growth Jenny had well in hand, but there was another way for her to develop that was less obvious.

Turning down the new position was an opportunity to give herself permission to actually land where she was, to enjoy the relationships, confidence, and expertise she’d built in her current position. Saying “no” felt like allowing herself, maybe for the first time ever, to stop pushing herself and relentlessly proving that she could do hard things. Saying “no” to the new job was a chance to be kind to herself and acknowledge that she was already strong; she’d already proven that and didn’t have to keep proving it. With this new frame, Jenny knew right away which choice she was going to make.

What is the growing edge that your choices offer you? In what ways will the various decisions allow you to grow and expand from the inside out? These are the questions that help us, questions based on what’s true and real now and what we know about ourselves rather than what we imagine about the future.

Here’s the thing; you can’t possibly know what any decision will create in your future. That future hasn’t been written yet and is inhabited by a person you haven’t become yet. But you can know what that decision asks of you internally and what challenges or opportunities it would present for you—and whether those feel important to you. Ask who you are now and how you understand yourself. Then ask which decision provides you with an opportunity to evolve in ways that feel exciting and important in your journey.

Far from the land of right and wrong, this inquiry moves the dial forward and gets you unstuck. It sets you free from indecision and rumination and launches you into clarity and action.

The post A Better Way to Make Hard Choices appeared first on Nancy Colier.