i am so saddened to hear this. you are so right, it can happen to the most capable of women. capability does not protect us from cruelty. i send you so much strength and support. don’t walk through this alone. with love, nancy

A long time ago, I became part of the American Dream. I was a successful Human Resources Consultant in NYC, when I met my soon-to-be-husband on a trip home to Virginia to visit my parents. John* lived next door to my parents with his beautiful wife and their perfect home, or so everything appeared to be in the category of perfection. A few years later, John’s wife died and he expressed an interest in coming to visit NYC, and of course, needed a tour guide. One weekend led to another and the rest was history. Within a year, we were pregnant and I was moving to Virginia, ironically, into John’s home and next door to my father (who I could barely stand, yet looked at this for an opportunity for reconciliation) and my mother (who was overjoyed, mainly because she would be close to me and I would be the buffer between her and my abusive father). I was beyond blessed to be a stay-at-home mom with my two baby boys, and the first five years of married life and parenthood were a blur. There were always signs of something “off” with John: perhaps something more than “still” grieving his loss of his deceased wife, but there were other signs, which later became defined as true narcissism. When our boys turned 12 and 13, I asked for a divorce. I was living in hell, only a hell that I would come to know, unleashed with a fiery fury. At the time of our divorce, I did not recognize myself. I was gas-lit, I was broken. I was emotionally depleted and on the verge of a poverty I could not fathom. I lost everything, including my boys’ desire to be with their mom. He manipulated every story, every event, and succeeded at his fairy tale of “a mentally ill ex-wife”.

Seven years later, to date, and not one moment has passed that I wish that my boys were walking the earth like your daughters: with your heart and theirs so closely knit, that in any given space, they would know their mom and her love for them. They used to be my passion, and because all I could do was fight through emails for their attention, and their father’s apology, I lost sight of that amazing woman I used to be in NYC, who was strong and confident, who later gave up everything for what appears to be nothing.

Not even an apology.

So…I went searching for “the apology”, and clearly waiting for something that will never happen. Not from John or my boys. I have been excluded from birthdays and graduations, and they have missed holidays and Mother’s Days, with their mom. I have written books for my boys, and letters, and emails, and texts to no avail. He makes $200k a year and I make $75 (I am a high school teacher), so I hold no value in their ever-busy lives. I found your article in Psychology Today about “apologies”, and then clicked on your website, and here I am.

Thank you for Girl Power Talk, and for all of the other places on your page, where women like me can find elements of understanding that bring peace, even if just for a day. I am on the path to recovery, through the attributes of endurance and resilience, and while I would love to hear “I’m Sorry Catherine, for everything”, I know that the man who I used to love and the boys who I still do (yet at an extreme distance), are incapable of even the consideration of uttering those words. …because you and I both know that there are no floodgates strong enough to contain the chaos of emotion that would ensue.

Time and talk-therapy confirm that emotional, financial and spiritual abuse happen to the most capable of women, because we are who narcissists love the most: until we heal, and they become the anchor that sank with a titanic of ego.

With Peace and Love ~

Catherine