emotion Archives | Nancy Colier

Are Your Spiritual “Shoulds” Sabotaging Your Spiritual Life?

kevin — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 20:18:26 +0000

A person on a spiritual path should not get angry, and certainly not furious. This was high on my list of spiritual “shoulds.” The problem was that I was on what I thought of as a spiritual path (and had been for a long time) and I still got angry and furious and still, sometimes even acted out of that anger. The combination of my actual reality and my spiritual “should” left me in a predicament. I still felt the feelings of anger that had caused the spiritual “should” to flare up, but now I was saddled with an additional anger, frustration and disappointment—at myself this time, for failing to become what I was supposed to be becoming on my spiritual path. What was clear was that none of it felt very spiritual—whatever that meant at the time.

I was recently meditating with a friend and after we were finished, she expressed great irritation about the heat in the room. And then she expressed great irritation and disgust at herself for being bothered by the heat in the room. When we explored it a little further, it turned out that on her list of spiritual “shoulds” was “shouldn’t be upset by mundane stuff like temperature.” Unfortunately, her spiritual “should” and her reality were also at odds.

As a psychotherapist and spiritual counselor, I hear a lot of spiritual “shoulds,” beliefs we have about what a “spiritual” person should or should not experience or feel. Here are some of the leading contenders…

A spiritual person “should” be:

Happy, calm, peaceful, grateful, compassionate, loving, generous, joyful, unflappable, even-keeled, fearless, non-reactive, patient.

A spiritual person “should not” be:

Angry, bothered by small things, selfish, anxious, irritable, depressed, worried, jealous, resentful, impatient, reactive, stubborn, bored, unsatisfied.

These are just a few “shoulds” that I routinely bump into, but there are many more. Most of us have spiritual “shoulds” whether we are aware of them yet or not. We are conditioned to believe that spiritual is an adjective that is defined by certain qualities (all good ones). While to some degree, living a spiritual path has a tendency to cultivate certain aspects in a person; it is not a ticket to freedom from the full cocktail of human experiences and emotions.

Attaching rules to what “spiritual” should look like and behave like turns the spiritual path into another opportunity to berate ourselves and fall short of an idea of what we should be. When we hold fast to our spiritual “shoulds,” we end up strengthening our sense of lack, and using the path as just another means to try to become a better version of ourselves, and solve our basic inadequacy. When we practice spirituality as another self-improvement plan, we defeat its purpose, by striving to once again not be who we are.

Furthermore, when we hold fast to our spiritual “shoulds,” we tell ourselves that what is happening inside us is not allowed. We reject the moment because we don’t like how it is presenting, and in so doing, we reject ourselves as we actually are. We say this being and this now are not welcome in this form. And yet, this being and this now are what the present moment are made of. The result is that we are pushed out of presence, out of our own being, out of here. It is we who have to go away, not reality. Reality sticks around whether we like it or not. If we are experiencing or containing something that we have decided presence cannot include, then for us, the portal to presence is closed.

It is only through the actuality of what is happening inside us, met with kindness and curiosity, that we can enter a space of loving presence. When we allow what is arising within us, in its full truth and without judgment, we are actually being that loving presence that we are trying to become. We are the spiritual being that we are searching for.

Clinging to a fantasy version of ourselves, and an idea of a magical moment in the future at which we will arrive, spiritually ripe, is fruitless. It won’t happen. We don’t become more spiritual by becoming better and more spiritual versions of ourselves. The only way to arrive at that magical moment and that spiritual you is through this actual now and this actual you. To be a spiritual being is to bring our attention right into this moment, and no matter what we find —beauty, ugliness, rage, resentment, joy, compassion, pain, desire, hatred—to say “yes, this too is allowed to be here.” (The truth is, allowed or not, it’s already here.)

Ask yourself, what’s on your list of spiritual “shoulds”? What qualities, thoughts, emotions or whatever else are you not allowed to have if you want to still consider yourselves spiritual? And on the flipside, what do you believe you are supposed to feel, think, or be as spiritual person? Pay close attention to your “shoulds” when they arise. When you notice one rearing its head, bring your attention to the feeling that is eliciting the “should” or should not,” whatever experience is supposed to or not supposed to be present. Then ask yourself (kindly), if you can just acknowledge that whether you want it or not, this feeling is here. If that’s okay, then ask if, just for a moment, you can stop fighting against it and simply allow it to be here. Can you be here with it? And then finally, notice what happens inside you when you stop arguing with reality, and yourself.

This exercise however, is not an opportunity to pick up yet another spiritual “should.” I am not suggesting that you “should” not have spiritual “shoulds.” Don’t get caught in that trap. When you experience the arising of one of your spiritual “shoulds,” ask yourself if you can acknowledge and allow not only the feeling you believe you shouldn’t have, but also the reactions you have to that unwanted feeling. Don’t resist the judgment, anger, frustration, disappointment, or whatever else arises as a result of your belief that you have fallen short of your spiritual idea (and ideal). These reactive feelings are also included in the space of awareness; give them all a seat at your dining table (as they are already eating!) The spiritual path is one of opening to include everything and spiritual “shoulds” are no exception. The spiritual path is not defined by the color and shape of the stones on the road, but rather by the attitude of the hiker. An attitude of “Yes… I am willing and I want to meet what is truly here,” allows us to drop the “shoulds” and the unending struggle to become a better and more spiritual being. And through that “yes,” to actually meet ourselves as what we are: spirit itself.

The post Are Your Spiritual “Shoulds” Sabotaging Your Spiritual Life? appeared first on Nancy Colier.

How to Ask a Friend for What You REALLY Need

kevin — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 18:46:46 +0000

We all go through hard times now and again. And when the hard times come, we need good friends to help us through. I have been hearing a lot of stories about friendship lately, and it has gotten me thinking about what we really want and need from our friends, particularly when we are in the rough seas that every life includes.

We all want to help our friends when they are suffering. But do we know how to help them — really help them? And on the flip side, do we know how to get what we need from our friends when we really need it?

How do we fail each other as friends?

Some common offenses:

We offer advice and stick to it even when our friend tells or shows us that our advice is not helpful and not going to be followed.
We project our own experience onto our friend’s situation and stop hearing what our friend is actually living.
We are too busy or distracted to give our friend the focused attention that she needs.
We talk when we really need to be listening.
Having been at the receiving end of each of these responses at one time or another, I know how incredibly painful these experiences can be to endure. We reach out to a friend with the hope that we will be heard, comforted and ultimately helped, only to receive one of these heartbreaking misses. These moments are little deaths. There is a precise instant when we realize that we are not going to receive what we need, that we will not experience the emotional hug that we crave. Exquisitely painful in their clarity, these deaths are repeated over and over, leaving us not only with our original pain, but now, simultaneously, with the loneliness of the missed connection.

Sometimes we allow the friend’s advice to go on long after we have shut down inside, aware that we are not going to be properly heard or understood. Sometimes we allow the friend to kidnap the moment, make it about themselves, thereby giving up on getting what we really need. Sometimes we allow the friend to use us as a projection screen, to work out something about themselves or someone in their life — none of which helps us. We let it happen because we cannot fight or take the risk that it is to try and receive what we actually need.

There are an infinite number of ways to die these little deaths, but each is profoundly disappointing, even heart-breaking.

What is it we really need when we are in pain? I believe that it is much simpler than we imagine. We need to be heard, understood and cared about. We need a friend to hold our pain with us, for a moment, without judgment, to hear and care about how we are, in truth. Most of all, we need our friend’s focused, undivided, and caring attention. Not solutions, not tales of our friend’s similar woes, just the simple hug that is true and heartfelt listening.

There are times in life when our pain is very strong and we actually do not want to get together for a lunch in which we get the allotted amount of time to wrap up our suffering, and then move on to the business of trading stories. You get your five minutes, I get mine. There are times when we need to be allowed to fully dip into our pain, and not just describe it and then move on.

Here’s the good news: We can ask for the kind of focused attention that we need. We can ask if it’s possible that a good friend just hold the space and listen to us, for today, and maybe even tomorrow. We can ask if just now, we can not hear about her life situation, but really make this moment about ourselves. We are taught that it is not okay to ask for this kind of attention, that it would be selfish to request it, even occasionally. And yet, what is remarkable is that we all need it, and we all try and make do without it, pretending it’s okay. We keep our mouths shut while we die little deaths, silently, again and again, on both sides of the table. The longing is crystal clear and yet we hold back, afraid to demand too much, even from our dearest friends.

To pretend that we get what we need when we really don’t, in fact, doesn’t do us, our friends or our friendships any good. A part of friendship is taking care of and knowing each other. No one is taken care of or known when we walk away from our interactions feeling lonely and emotionally unfed.

When we request what we really need, we not only give ourselves the chance to receive the care that we long for, but we also deepen and sanctify our friendships. We set an example and standard of truth that the friendship can then rise to. I suggest that we step up and be brave — take the risk that is the truth. We can be the first to voice what we really need, knowing that deep down it is the same thing that we all really need. Ask for the best from your friends, and you will receive the best friends that you deserve.

The post How to Ask a Friend for What You REALLY Need appeared first on Nancy Colier.

Self-Parenting 101: Learning to Take Your Own Side

kevin — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 02:39:04 +0000

How would you treat yourself if you were someone you loved? This is one of my favorite questions. It is not only instinctive to take good care of someone you love, but also to take good care of yourself. Unfortunately, we are trained to un-learn our loving instincts when it comes to ourselves. Many people are unaware of how they treat themselves. They spend their lives angry about the kind of care they received as children but end up offering themselves the very same kind of care. There comes a point in life when you have to take ownership of your own caretaking — to consciously choose the kind of relationship you will have with yourself.

Ask yourself: What kind of self-parent are you?

Are you a:

What Did You Do to Cause the Problem? Self-Parent

This inner parent is always there to inform you why you are to blame for whatever bad thing happened and whatever pain you feel. If you fall down and skin your knee, it is because you were running too fast.

See it from the OTHER guy’s perspective, Self-Parent

This inner-parent is very good at reminding you why the person who hurt you had a good reason for doing what he did, and why you should understand HIS side. The man you love broke up with you? Certainly you should empathize with why he would want to leave his options open, and not settle down so quickly. Ultimately, HE was right to disappoint you!

What Are You Going to DO to Fix It? Self-Parent

This inner parent doesn’t comfort you, but instead tells you what you need to do to fix the problem that you caused. If you are feeling sluggish, then get yourself to the gym already!

There’s Something Wrong With the Way You Feel, Self-Parent

You are hurt because you are too sensitive, upset because you are too dramatic. This caretaker reminds you that your feelings are not what they should be, and that ultimately, your response (and you) are the real problem.

There’s No Reason to Feel the Way You Do, Self-Parent

This inner parent is quick to tell you why your feelings make no sense in the world of logic. If you have an important recital and are anxious about it, your anxiety is irrelevant since everyone in the audience loves you. The facts simply invalidate your experience.

I’m Not Interested, Self-Parent

This inner parent is just not interested in your feelings regardless of what they are, and thus ignores your inner experience altogether. The message is that you are not important enough to acknowledge, much less comfort.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these self-parents? If so, what would it mean to start treating yourself as if you were someone you love? What would need to change? While it might seem ridiculous to suggest that we need instructions for how to properly care for ourselves, regrettably, we do.

To create a new system, you must become aware of the system already in place. What do you say to yourself (on the inside) when you are in need of support, feeling hurt, not at the top of your game? Listen to the words and tone you use with yourself. Imagine uttering these same words or using this same tone with someone you love.

Consciously, actively, begin a practice of self-care. Decide to be that good parent who is automatically on your side, without your having to defend yourself or prove why you deserve their support. Be that friend who assumes that the way you experienced it was the way it happened, who takes your goodness to be a given. Be that big brother who when you get bullied on the playground leads by asking the question, “What did that bully do to make you feel this way?” Be all of these — for you!

Throughout this practice, the word “No” must become a strong presence in your internal life. No, I will not…

Automatically take the other person’s side.

Assume the worst about me.

Hold myself as responsible and to blame for the way I feel and whatever has gone wrong.

Discredit my own feelings.

Talk to myself as if I do not matter.

Shame myself for what I am feeling.

Reject or ignore myself when I am upset.

Put myself last.

Terrorize myself with potential disasters.

Be mean to or bully myself.

And finally: No, I will not accept being treated this way — by me.

So too, the word “Yes” becomes equally important. Yes, I will treat myself with the same kindness that I offer those I love — no matter what.

Even if at first you don’t know how to implement these new behaviors, continue to repeat the phrases and pay close attention to how you actually do self-parent. Catch yourself in the act of mistreating yourself and stop it. By simply noticing your current self-treatment, and simultaneously suggesting a new, kinder system, some part of you is saying that it knows that you deserve better care. The more you voice that part of yourself and offer it a seat at the inner table, the stronger it will grow and the more it will feel entitled to be there! A day will then come when the majority (if not all) of you will know that not just those you love, but you too are good — and equally deserving of your own kindness.

In life, the person you spend the most time with is yourself. You are always in your own company. Why not keep company with someone who loves you as opposed to someone who does not particularly like you, or worse? With even the smallest degree of proper self-parenting, you will start to notice that you feel more relaxed, more loved, that you are more trusting, happier, and more alive. Proper self-parenting is like watering a seed. You are that seed and with the proper attention and care, you too will bloom.

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