Before the pandemic, Vicki used to go out with people all the time—for meals, drinks, coffees, whatever was suggested.  If somebody invited her, she just said yes. She never stopped to ask herself if she wanted to go, she just went because “it’s what you did.”  Yes was a habit; more socializing meant she was living a better, more exciting life.  But since the pandemic, since stepping off the social treadmill, Vicki’s changed.

Throughout this shutdown, so many of us have realized that a lot of what we were doing pre-Covid, how we filled our time, was simply because we’d been conditioned to do it that way, because we were following social norms that told us we should live that way, and everyone else was living that way.  Pre-pandemic, we were busy doing a lot of things because it’s just what we did, but not necessarily because it’s what we wanted to do, or for that matter, what actually made us feel well.

The cultural narrative running right now is that we all can’t wait to get back to our busy social lives, to fill up our social calendars.  But in fact, many people, maybe you included, feel something very different; many report being surprised by how much they’ve enjoyed not having to socialize, not being on the go all the time, and not doing everything that might potentially be interesting—getting off the doing horse.

When what you should do is off the table because it’s no longer possible, often, you discover something truly remarkable, namely, what you want to do.  What many people have realized over this time is that what they want to do is a whole lot less than what they were doing pre-pandemic.  It may have felt like a great relief to not have to run around and see everyone, to get to have time to yourself, to pay attention to your own wants and needs.  If so, you’re more normal than you think.

This is one of the true silver linings in this pandemic. We’ve become more aware of what’s true for us, and how we actually want and like to spend our time.  This time off the grid has made it clear that our life would look a whole lot different if we were given (or gave ourselves) permission to consult our own gut for how we want to spend our time and with whom, as opposed to just following the rules, acting from conditioning, and doing what we think is normal.

You may also feel a sense of dread in returning to your social calendar.  There may be anxiety around getting back to regular social interacting, fear that you no longer know how to be with other people, what to say or how to behave.  Or, that you won’t be able to bear small talk anymore.  As if the time away has rendered you socially disabled.  This, too, is normal.  You’ve gone into your cave and it can feel hard to come back out.  You may like it there.  Rest assured, your social skills will return and you will remember how to talk to people.  As you get back into the world, it will feel less daunting and laborious.  And yet, as it gets easier and more second nature, what’s important is that you stay awake to how much socializing, what sorts of it, and with whom you actually want in your life.  As getting together with other people becomes more routine, don’t lose the precious question that’s in front of you right now: How do you actually want to do this thing we call socializing?

As you prepare to launch back into the world, don’t squander the glorious silver lining this pandemic has offered.  Don’t just mindlessly throw yourself back into the same life you were living before Covid, before you were given this profound opportunity to stop and see what kind of life you really want.  If you choose to get back on the social hamster wheel, the doing treadmill, do it mindfully, because you want to do it.  In this moment, you are standing at a crossroads, choose wisely how you want to proceed.  You are about to start building new habits so let them be habits you want to create.

You’ve discovered how you want to spend your time, who you want to see, and how often.  Consider how much should you want in your calendar, and how much want; perhaps the balance has shifted.  Contemplate what you’ve learned about your own attention and whether you are someone you want to spend time with going forward.  Hold onto this newfound reverence for your own company, and heed it.  Put time with yourself in your calendar as you reenter your social world.

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When you suggest to people that they stop doing, just for a moment, stop trying to get to where they want to be, to become who they want to be, they grow anxious and angry. They know one thing for sure: they can’t just sit back and be where they are; they need to keep moving forward, keep getting better. Indeed moving forward and getting better is, for many, the purpose of life. Something needs to be done to solve the problem that is this moment, this me.

We believe that we have to do something to be happy, but what does it mean to be happy? Ultimately, we are looking for the moment when we can finally be where we are, be here. Happiness implies a state of presence. We are looking for the moment when “when” can finally become “now.” We search high and low for the right effort to make, the effort that will lead us to a place where effort will no longer be needed, where we can finally stop trying.

“What do I do?” is the mantra of the mind. It is the mind that asks this question and the mind that answers it. Paradoxically, we have assigned the perpetrator of our suffering with the task of curing our suffering.

There are consequences to our belief that we need to do something to get to happy, to now, and to the place where we can finally stop trying to get anywhere. For one thing, any happiness we achieve this way will be a temporary fix. Everything we get will change and thus our happiness will be an unreliable one. Soon we will be back to searching for what we need to do–to get back the feeling of happiness. Worse than an unreliable happiness however, is that our what to do conditioning inspires a relationship with the present moment that is antagonistic. This moment is never the right moment, never enough, never the moment we are supposed to be living. This moment is always being rejected for a moment in the future, when life will be better.

Most yoga classes these days begin with the teacher asking the students to set an intention for their practice that day. Students are asked to make a plan for what they want to get out of the time they are about to spend on the mat, a goal for what they want their presence to do for them. They are encouraged to decide how they want the next 90 minutes to change their now. Even when we are practicing being present we need to be moving forward, heading somewhere else. So too, much of current self-help today is about clarifying what we want to do with our life and what we need to do to make that happen. Everywhere we look, we are being asked to do something to make things better.

The secret to happiness is completely contradictory to what we have been taught. The plan we have set up is the wrong plan for what we want to achieve. Happiness happens when we stop trying to figure out what we need to do to get to a better future. Happiness happens when we live without a future, and without an intention for what this moment and this life should become. Happiness happens when we move from becoming to being.

How utterly radical, to live without an intention… and how utterly freeing. But be prepared, the mind will scream when “What do I do?” is dropped as your mantra… “But my life will never be good if I don’t do something to make it happen!” Nonetheless, take a chance, be courageous, give it a whirl and see what you discover. You can always return to your intentions and agendas for this moment, this life. In truth, life does happen when you stop doing something with it and to it. Indeed, when you live without an intention, life gets better than good. When you stop asking, “What do I do?” and start asking, “What’s here, now?”, the presence you are after, the place of no effort, it’s all here. As it turns out, you didn’t need to do anything at all.

Copyright 2013 Nancy Colier

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