Let’s not restate what we know or even regale the deliciousness of mothering, much as I’d love to do that. Rather, let’s examine aspects of motherhood that are less regale-able and the feelings and truths we hide from others and ourselves. So, too, are the relentless expectations around mothering with which we punish ourselves.

A confession: When my kids were young, sometimes I’d tiptoe past their rooms, trying not to be noticed because I couldn’t bear the prospect of another imaginary skit on the floor with the Calico Critters and talking toothbrushes. I frequently dreaded the weekends spent researching and shlepping to arts and crafts fairs, build-a-bears, flower-plantings, and Legolands that nobody wanted to go to or particularly enjoyed but that I felt I had to offer to prove (to myself) that I was a good mom.

Believe it or not, now (and part of me knew it was then.), I felt too guilty not to do it. Interestingly, my husband never felt guilty, not even a little. He was OK with letting the kids do nothing or come up with their activities and most definitely didn’t see it as his job to entertain and engage them. On the other hand, I was convinced that if I didn’t provide at least one and preferably two interesting experiences or excursions each weekend, I was depriving my kids of a great childhood.

We all know that mom who can always find something magical to do with their kids. I had a friend like that when my kids were young. Wherever we went, she created an experience of wonder while I watched on, feeling befuddled and un-motherly.

In the park, she’d skip off with our kids and waft back what seemed like hours later, with everyone giggling madly, adorned in tiaras she’d made of daisies, and acting out mysterious forest adventures. At home, she delighted in playing board games, transforming french fries into Pick-Up-Stix, and, if time allowed, leading the charge to the bowling alley to spend more time together.

As to be expected, “Why can’t you be like Julia’s mom?” was the refrain in my home, to which I felt both righteous in my different-kind-of-mom-ness and, underneath the righteousness, terribly guilty, that I didn’t know how to do that, and that my kids didn’t get to have a mom like Julia’s.

So many women are convinced they should enjoy every moment they get to spend with their kids. The fact that we sometimes don’t enjoy it and don’t look forward to it, or worse, want to spend time with other people besides our kids or be with just ourselves, confirms that we’re selfish, unloving, and un-maternal. We’re choosing our own wants and needs over our kids. It’s either/or, and all roads lead us back to the same conclusion: We’re not good enough as mothers or women.

Watching our kids having fun and seeing their imaginations bloom is a delicious experience. At the same time, our children’s games are age-appropriate and a good fit for their intellectual and emotional development, but not usually for ours.

Still, we remain convinced that we should be fascinated and delighted by every activity involving our children and should be able to meet our emotional and intellectual needs just by participating in their experience. If we’re bored or unsatisfied, then once again, we’re self-involved and too focused on our own needs. And what’s worse, our own age-appropriate boredom is scarring our children and teaching them that they are the ones who are boring.

A day in the house with small children can feel like an iron-woman triathlon. We expect our watch to say 6 p.m. only to discover that it’s 9 a.m., and we still have 10 hours of activities to invent, 10 hours separating us from Netflix or some other kind of anesthesia. Of course, some moms genuinely enjoy hours of designing stickers, making slime, and thinking up homemade science experiments.

But there are also many moms for whom occupying their kids feels painful and exhausting, and they run out of ideas, patience, and energy.

Women struggle with the day-to-day labor of parenting. Yet, they continue to berate themselves for their feelings and assume that entertaining their kids for long stretches of time should come naturally and feel effortless. But why should it be effortless, and why would we enjoy it? Still, moms pretend to love it and delight in the snow days and Mondays off, which may explain why our own sippy cups sometimes smell like Chardonnay.

The truth is, you can love your kids and be a supremely good mother and not enjoy and not be particularly natural at certain aspects of the parenting job. This truth gets swallowed up in historical narratives, cultural mythology, and old beliefs about female virtue and motherhood, which still limit us despite all the societal changes that have occurred for women and shifted our place in the world.

Perhaps, alongside our devotion to our children, we can also allow ourselves to acknowledge that the job of being a mom to young kids is frequently not that interesting. We can stop fighting with and denying the reality of parenting and, instead, own and respect the effort and discipline that goes into mothering, and even celebrate ourselves for being willing to do hard things when we don’t want to and tolerate the boredom and difficulty of it, usually, without going mad.

If we can do this, we’ll feel free to make choices that come from want, not just should. And, we’ll feel kinder towards ourselves and sometimes even more grateful for getting to be a mom. Every minute we stay on the floor with the Calico Critters or do any of the endless difficult things we do, we might consider acknowledging it and bowing to our strength and devotion.

A great mom is not always one who wants to be with her kids around the clock and enjoys every effortless moment, but rather, one who keeps showing up, being present and doing her best to give her kids what they want and need, for as long as she possibly can.

Ultimately, we must trust a deeper truth: Our love for our children is big, wide, and infinite enough to include all of its contents. That said, we need not reduce our worthiness as good mothers to something so infinitesimal as whether we like or don’t like the tasks of the job.

The post Another Long Weekend With the Kids… Oh My! appeared first on Nancy Colier.

Most women, and moms, in particular, struggle with the belief that we’re not good enough. We feel like we’re failing our children and failing to live up to some image of a perfect mom who’s selfless, has no needs of her own, and exists only for her children. Some of this remains as a remnant of the role women played in the family in previous generations.

Although our culturally conditioned idea of who we should be no longer fits into modern life, in which women work outside the home, our idea of the perfect mom remains unchanged. And maybe more importantly, despite our image of perfection frequently conflicts with our own well-being, we continue to shame and blame ourselves for not being who we imagine we should be.

Mom guilt is built on an idea of who we should be—not who we are. From the time we’re little girls, our emotional safety, acceptance, and approval are built on our ability to be selfless and take care of other people’s needs. The better we are at taking care of other people, the more we’re liked, which makes us feel valuable—and makes us like ourselves. Being a mom is the ultimate test of our caregiving abilities; how much can we give ourselves away in service to our children, which then is the ultimate test of our worth?

When Jenny was packing her kids into the car for yet another weekend trip this past summer, each of which took enormous effort and cost (and wasn’t that much fun), it suddenly dawned on her that she was doing all of this to live up to some idea in her head of what a good mom should be and what she should offer her kids in the summer.

And yet, she also realized that she didn’t want to do it, and truth be told, neither did her kids (or the dog!). No one in that car actually wanted to be going away for another “family” weekend; no one wanted this “perfect family life” that she was forcing. She was enslaved by some archaic story of what was supposed to happen in the idyllic months of summer by being perceived as a “perfect mom,” having a “perfect family,” and offering her kids a “perfect life.”

In a revolutionary moment, she decided to put the car in reverse, unpack the trunk right then and there, and start living in what was true rather than some idea of what should be. She decided to step out of her imaginary story and into reality.

At any moment, we can step out of the story we’re telling ourselves about who we should be and in that moment, invite and welcome the mom we really are.

Tips for Breaking the Mom Guilt Habit

• Become aware of your inner voice of guilt.
• Breaking mom guilt starts with awareness, noticing how and when you’re “should-ing” yourself with a dose of shame and blame for failing to live up to some idea of the mom you should be.
• Notice the thoughts that you are not enough and how your inner-mom critic criticizes you for not being someone you’re not.
• Consider your well-being.
• When you recognize that you’re spinning in the mom guilt narrative, drop out of the story of who and how you should be and consider who and how you actually want to be—in this moment, this situation, and this life.
• Take the bold step that it is, as a woman and a mom, to stop assuming that you should be invisible. Remind yourself that your wants and needs matter. Put your authentic self back into the story.
• Ask yourself what takes care of you in this situation and what serves your well-being. What would happen if you allowed your well-being to matter, too, not just your children’s? Is there a way to take care of both you and your child?
• Remind yourself to keep coming back to the present moment.
• When you’re lost in mom guilt, you’re distracted from the present moment. You’re not with your children, which is ultimately what good mothering is all about.
• When you catch yourself mom-guilting, get fierce with your mind. Tell your inner critic to stop telling you what’s wrong with you.
• Focus on modeling for your kids what it looks like to be on your side. Focus on what you like about yourself and what makes you a good mom. Let your kids meet who you actually are, as opposed to a tortured version of yourself trying to be someone else.
• Practice self-compassion.

Remember, being a mom can be an exceptionally difficult role. Some say it’s the hardest job in the world. We all fail our kids and we’ve all been failed by our own moms (and dads). Thankfully, humans are resilient; our kids find a way to be OK most of the time. That’s reality. So, keep your shortcomings in perspective and remind yourself of all the things you do right, not just those things you think you do wrong.

Use whatever you don’t like about your parenting as an opportunity to grow and be more mindful rather than an opportunity to judge yourself. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can, even when there’s room for improvement. Moms, like all human beings, are works in progress; being the best mom you can be today that’s the goal—with all the shortcomings and gifts that that includes.

That’s enough.

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