In addition, many of us live without close family nearby, without people we can rely on to help and relieve some of the burden (other than the people we pay). It can feel like we’re trapped inside a tsunami of needs, all coming at us with no end in sight. Spending time with friends, downtime, relaxation, rest, and dare I say it, time to just be…all feel like luxuries. The result is emotional burnout, chronic stress, physical conditions, depression, fatigue, hopelessness, resentment, anger, frustration, depression, and apathy, to name a few.

Unless you want to drop out of society and live off the grid, the reality is that there are too many demands, needs, and responsibilities to take care of in a full, modern life. Still, there may be ways that you are adding to your own burden and stress—overgiving when it’s not necessary, giving without discernment, and depleting yourself without questioning it.

It’s important to remember that we give so much largely because we care about and love the people we’re giving to, and we want them to be well. We give because what we’re taking care of matters to us. And yet, the problem is that we give past the point that we are OK; we give at our own expense, and often until we have no resources left at all, and are completely burnt out.

We also don’t acknowledge how much we’re doing and how hard the demands of life can be. There exists a belief that we should be able to navigate all this, should be able to live in this crazy way, and should be able to do more than we can do. The fact that it’s too much, unmanageable, and hard is not allowed into the picture. We don’t give ourselves that grace.

If you feel like you overgive, it’s important to ask yourself what’s driving you to give more than you can or want to. What beliefs and fears prevent you from being more discerning about how much you give?

While the overwhelming demands of modern life and caregiving fall on everyone, they are frequently experienced differently by men and women. Women, in particular, are often conditioned to be caregivers. From the time we are little girls, our value and likability are linked to how well we take care of others, and how willing we are to put other people’s needs above our own. The more selfless, the more worthy, respected, loved, and admired. For women, it can be a badge of honor to be able to meet everyone’s needs and never say no.

Simultaneously, our society judges women who cannot be superhuman caregivers. The “selfish” label is quickly launched at women who are unable to jump through the hoops, or even more boldly, who choose not to. There is a myth that, as women, we should get our needs met and feel nourished by meeting other people’s needs. Giving to others should be enough for us to feel good. And yet, this myth is just that: a myth.

Regardless of gender, however, if you identify with being an overgiver, and feel consistently stretched beyond your limits, you might ask yourself (with curiosity, not judgment): What (really) keeps me on this treadmill of giving to the point where I end up feeling depleted and frazzled? Is all of this giving genuinely necessary or do I have options that I’m not seeing or allowing myself to see?

The core belief may be that you simply don’t deserve to not give, you’re not worthy, and don’t have the right to say “no.” As long as you’re still breathing, it’s your job to be there for everyone who needs help. Other people’s needs matter more than yours do. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family in which you had to earn your love or value by doing for others, giving may be how you earn your worthiness and feel like enough. Or, perhaps you envision taking care of your own needs something that happens at the expense of others, as if you’re choosing your needs “over” or “instead” of other people’s needs (which would be unthinkable)? Are you not worthy of that privilege?

Perhaps you give so much because it feels like just what you should do, as a good and caring person, and that you owe the people in your life for everything they do and have done for you. Or, you just owe them for some unknowable reason like putting up with you.

In addition, you may overgive because you can’t bear the idea of disappointing others or letting them down—not being who they want (and count on you) to be. You need to be that person—the one who is always there for them. The compulsion to give comes from the discomfort you feel at the mere idea of not being what other people need you to be. Maybe it was a chaotic home environment, and in order to feel or stay safe, you had to meet the needs of caregivers instead of the adults meeting your needs. There also may exist a fear of being judged as selfish and uncaring, if you were to start giving less.

You probably also enjoy the perception others have of you’re a super-giver. You’re seen as strong, reliable, generous, invincible, and many other good things. People say, “I don’t know how she does it,” for which you’re admired, respected, and loved, and even more so if you can do it all without needing anything for yourself. Consequently, you build a sense of self, and an identity as someone who can do it all, which feels good. There are real cash and prizes that come with being an overgiver, which understandably you don’t want to give up.

At the same time, you may also harbor a belief that if you don’t take care of it, it won’t get done or done right. Saying no or not now feels too risky and scary as far as the mess or chaos it will leave in its wake. It is the belief that you cannot rely on anyone else to take care of things properly.

There are many reasons to give past our limits. But when we stretch ourselves too thin, and deplete ourselves at the deepest level, there are profound consequences to our own well-being.

In Part 2 of this series, I’ll address the costs of being an overgiver. And most importantly, I’ll offer ways to break free from this habit of giving too much and create new ways of being in the world that take care of you in addition to everyone else.

The post Are You an Overgiver? When Life’s Demands Feel Overwhelming appeared first on Nancy Colier.

In part 1 of this two-part series, I described the frustration, confusion, and pain that certain people can trigger in us, sometimes for an entire lifetime. Often, these people remain in our lives because they’re family or part of some other important community. Sometimes, we even want to see these people for other reasons, because, as human beings, we’re complicated and contradictory by nature.

It’s a challenge to keep a sense of calm and inner peace with someone who triggers you if their very presence sends your nervous system into a code-red emergency. I’m often asked whether there are ways to stay grounded when faced with the people who trigger us and whether there are strategies for making these triggering interactions less painful and disruptive even if our nervous system is telling us that danger is imminent.

In working with clients on some version of this issue for nearly three decades, in addition to working with my own triggering people along the way, I’ve discovered a few practices that are immeasurably helpful.

1. Investigate Your Feelings and Beliefs

This practice is about getting curious and precise about the thoughts and feelings that this person’s company triggers in you. We tend to assign blanket descriptions to our experience, such as “She makes me feel anxious” or “I hate being with her” or some other generalized description of an emotional experience that’s really quite subtle and refined. Often, this experience contains a whole life story.

It’s important to get under these blanket descriptions and into what exactly you feel in this person’s company. Is it shame, guilt, humiliation, sorrow, inadequacy, helplessness, or rejection? What’s the felt sense? And what are the narratives and beliefs that echo in your mind as a result? What specifically do you believe about the world and yourself in this person’s company?

The purpose of getting specific about these thoughts and feelings isn’t to better figure out what this person did to you; it’s about opening up a deeper level of empathy, compassion, and understanding for yourself. To truly empathize with your own suffering, you have to know what you’re offering empathy for and sometimes even how and why these specific emotions and narratives came into existence.

Once you’re aware of the direct experience being triggered in you and the exact nature of the feelings you’re reliving, you can be compassionate for yourself and even hold onto that self-loving energy as you’re being triggered.

On a practical level, when in this person’s company, you can literally and symbolically hold yourself by putting a hand on your heart or belly, perhaps casually enough that it isn’t noticeable, as a gesture of kindness toward yourself. This is a way of saying to yourself, “This is hard, I’ve got you.” You can acknowledge silently (or out loud in the bathroom) what’s happening inside you.

Also, in getting ready to see this person, remind yourself that being in their company will probably kick off these feelings and that you may not feel like yourself again until you’re out of their company. Wish yourself safe travel and passage. You can say something such as this: “Remember, sweetheart, being with her sets off that feeling of shame and guilt—for something unknowable. It’s OK; it’s just an old tripwire. It will happen, and it will pass.”

Or maybe, “There wasn’t any reason for you to feel ashamed then, and you have nothing to feel ashamed of now.” Or a straightforward “You’re not guilty, you’re not guilty, you’re not guilty…” What words would have helped that younger version of you that was originally triggered so long ago? What did she need to hear and know? Tell yourself that now—with love.

2. Accept the Experience

A critical part of process is also acceptance—accepting that these big and sometimes overwhelming feelings are going to arise with this person. That’s just how deep pain and emotional trauma work in the body; it’s not something you can talk yourself out of or convince yourself not to experience. To do so would be like trying to figure out how to not pull away when you touch a burning hot pot. The part of the brain that holds these painful memories and emotions essentially hijacks the person you are now.

Consequently, your brain and body can no longer distinguish between what’s happening now and what was happening when the trauma was actually occurring. The triggering person initiates a kind of nervous system hack, an internal code red in which your neurological channels get short-circuited and the emotional emergency system takes over. In your brain and body, you’re deposited back into the scene of the trauma—as if it were happening now.

No matter what you may know is appropriate or needed for the situation at hand, in that triggered brain, the same states of feeling and survival strategies that existed then are what are present and available now.

Remind yourself that this is just how the body works; it’s not up to you and it’s not your fault.

The return of these strong and painful feelings and the helplessness they sometimes initiate isn’t a failing on your part. Remind yourself, too, that these feelings will pass. This is just how it goes when you’re a human. Becoming aware of the specific feelings that this person triggers in you and how these feelings came to be and then offering yourself unconditional compassion and understanding is step one. Step two is expecting and accepting that you’ll be triggered by this person, regardless of whether you want to be, and that it’s not in your control. And there’s also a third step to consider, and it may be the most important step of all.

3. Surrender and Move On

You’re taught from the time you’re young that showing up for these difficult relationships is meaningful and valuable. Showing up is a testament to your strength, open-heartedness, and character—your willingness to evolve and forgive. You’ve been taught to believe that you should continue to see this person and that you should be able to see them without getting triggered.

If you look closely, there’s often a buried hope that no matter how many times you’ve gone to the stove and gotten burned, this time will be different. You hope you’ll be different or that they’ll be different or that reality will be different.

The third step is surrender, which may not sound like a positive or strong thing to do. In truth, it’s often the best and most freeing thing we can do for ourselves. Surrender is giving yourself permission to stop touching the stove, to stop putting yourself in this person’s orbit and experiencing this feeling of danger. You accept what reality keeps showing you, that this person generates pain for you and that it’s not your fault.

Regardless of why or how or whether it should be happening, the reality is that when you’re with this person, you feel bad again and again. You’ve tested this system enough times, played out enough strategies, exhausted enough hopes and prayers, and fought with this reality long enough. You’ve felt the same fire burn you the same way enough times. It’s OK to surrender to reality and choose a different path. It’s OK to not see this person anymore and stop putting yourself in harm’s way. It’s OK to say “no.” You may believe that you have to keep trying to change what makes you uncomfortable, to make it different from the way it is, but, in fact, you don’t have to change it, and you don’t have to keep trying.

It is the way it is.

You’re allowed to stop trying to prove that you can keep this person in your orbit and be OK with it. You can acknowledge that this isn’t even something you want to do. It’s a powerful practice just to honor your wish to not suffer anymore.

You’re not necessarily earning any points by putting yourself in situations with people who make you feel bad. The harder and more spiritually challenging and transformative choice may, in fact, be to stop trying to have a different experience. Instead, what if you were to choose to do the really challenging thing and be fiercely kind to yourself—to give yourself what you actually want and live by what feels loving and supportive? Do you have the courage to make that choice?

There comes a time in life when we’re ready to let go of the endless attempts and demands to be the person we should be. We wouldn’t judge an alcoholic who doesn’t want to go out to pub night with friends after work, so why would we judge ourselves for avoiding a situation that triggers a similar intractable habit of being? Maybe you can let yourself just be and can welcome and love the whole miracle and catastrophe that you are.

The post How to Stay Grounded When Faced With Those Who Trigger Us appeared first on Nancy Colier.