Responding Mindfully When Your Partner is Projecting On You
In my previous post on projection, I discussed two important skills for when your partner projects their “stuff” onto you. I encouraged awareness and empathy, and suggested that projection can paradoxically encourage connection; when you’re aware of what your partner is emotionally carrying, you can be more sensitive and speak directly to their emotional wounds, regardless of […]
Harmony in Relationship Does Not Require Agreement
James and Anna came to see me because of a big fight they were embroiled in. The issue was money, which I learned they had been arguing about for years, with no resolution. However, within a few minutes, it became clear that money was not their only or actual problem. They had vastly different ideas […]
Do You Have the Courage to Be a Good Friend?
Have you ever told a friend about a deeply upsetting experience and then had the friend tell you all the reasons why that experience won’t be upsetting at some point in the future? Have you ever been that friend who offers that advice? If we’re no longer a child, we probably already know that our feelings are going to change […]
What is Forgiveness, Really? When “Letting it Go” and “Burying the Hatchet” Fail…What Works?
What is forgiveness and how does it happen? We talk so much about forgiveness, throw around so many slogans, and yet it seems that we all have radically different ideas about what it actually means. We want to know how to forgive and yet it can be very hard to achieve or practice something that we don’t […]
When We Can No Longer Silence Our Truth
This week something remarkable happened—change happened. When a long-present way of feeling or behaving transforms, I view it as a miracle, a gift of grace. Two months ago, a dear friend, someone I consider family, asked to borrow money. I’m working a lot these days (thankfully) and therefore could provide the help. My friend told me that […]
When Feeling Guilty is Your Natural State
Do you ever feel like you’re inclined to accept the blame when things go wrong? The truth is, some of us are more prone to feeling guilty, as if a background sense of guilt is just wired into our system. Even if we don’t know specifically what we did wrong, we’re convinced that we did something we shouldn’t have, […]
How Long Should You Wait For Your Partner to Commit?
Commitment is a topic that brings a lot of couples into therapy. The word has a single definition, but it holds infinite meanings. For many people, commitment includes an emotional acknowledgment of a we, in that we are with each other and choose to be part of a couple. And on a practical level, it means the possibility of planning for a future—even if it’s […]
When We Need an Apology But Are Never Going to Get One
Why is it so hard for some people to say “I’m sorry”? It’s remarkable how difficult these two simple words can be to say out loud. I’ve been gifted with my share of never-sorry people over the years. I say gifted, because not getting the “I’m sorry” I’ve craved and (I thought) deserved has forced me to investigate the psychology of apologies, as well […]
When We Need Empathy From Our Partner, But Receive Judgment
The other morning, I overheard the following exchange. Besides breaking my heart, it reminded me of the profound possibilities that relationships offer—for connection and also for pain. The exchange: Woman: I am really struggling with this presentation. I feel so burdened by it, like I have to cover every topic, and there are too many and I don’t […]
Meditation: Coming Home to Your Heart
This is a meditation to help you remember where home is. You are always here, in your heart, closer than a breath away. Your heart is always awaiting your presence, awaiting your attention, awaiting you. Know that your refuge is always available to and inside you. Come home to you.