In a previous article, I introduced you to Deb, a woman who was fully aware of her truth, how unhappy she was, and what didn’t work for her in her marriage, but was too afraid to share it with her husband. Deb was smack in the middle of stage two of the “truthing” process, the stage when your head knows you will be okay and that you can handle whatever repercussions might come from telling the truth… but your body doesn’t actually believe it yet. Your body still harbors a deep fear of speaking your truth when that truth might be unlikable and unwanted. And so, Deb, despite all her wisdom, awareness, and self-sufficiency in every other area of her life, had stayed in a relationship for years, one that made her anxious and lonely and put her in a constant state of dysregulation.
Deb also suffered with another aspect of stage two in the “truthing” process. Namely, self-criticism. Deb was frustrated and disappointed in herself because she couldn’t or wouldn’t tell her husband the truth about how she felt. She accused herself of being a coward and a “fake-feminist.” While she talked a big game, at the end of the day, she “just wanted comfort” and wasn’t willing to walk the walk of an empowered woman. She didn’t have the strength to tell the truth and confront the fallout, not if it meant giving up the security that her relationship (terrible as it was) and the family structure provided.
In her mind, her inability to be fully truthful was pathetic. An empowered woman would be willing to be “authentic” no matter what. The fact that she wasn’t willing to shake up her world and confront the conflict meant that she was as controlled and weak as all the women who had come before her. Women’s liberation be damned.
The fact that she was operating from fear, not strength, and was driven by safety and familiarity, not growth and change, the fact that she was paralyzed by some irrational unknowns, was utterly unacceptable and shameful for Deb, as it is for so many women. Deb was profoundly unhappy in her relationship and also terrified of losing it. Both were true. It was an excruciating bind.
I see this situation frequently: the despair, fear, and self-criticism women experience in stage two of “truthing.” Simultaneously, they subject themselves to self-judgment on account of being unwilling to speak their full truth. Women consider their authentic need for peace, harmony, and grounding, their fear of the repercussions that might come from speaking an unlikable truth, as somehow less authentic and less acceptable than the truths they choose not to share. They view the choice to honor stability over full disclosure as a form of self-abandonment, proof that they’re weak, not fully liberated, and not willing to truly “take care” of themselves. For women, “taking care” of themselves seems to include only the parts of their truth they deem worthy and legitimate, the parts they like, but not the whole of their truth, and not the reality of who they are.
But, in fact, all of these—your silence, unhappiness, fear, wish to be free, and drive for stability—are part of your truth, and as such, all are valid and need to be respected and honored.
My intention, ultimately, is to free you from the shame that surrounds the process of speaking (and not speaking) your truth, and to encourage you to stop blaming yourself for whatever choices you make and for how you choose to take care of yourself for now. Furthermore, to clarify why your fears are not just about maintaining comfort or routine, but rather deeply wired into your nervous system and, in fact, linked to your very survival. I want to clarify where these fears of telling the truth stem from, what they’re really about, and why they’re so powerful when it comes to determining your behavior.
Essentially, I want to explore why these primal fears that live in the body and often don’t make sense to the mind still determine your choices. Simultaneously, my intention is to reframe the notion of “authenticity” so that you can no longer use it as a weapon against yourself, and to offer you more self-compassionate options for what it means to “take care” of yourself and “be on your own side.” Stay tuned…
