The dynamics and consequences of relationships based on self-sacrifice.
Source: Karolina Grabowska/Unsplash
Has someone ever told you that they did something that they didn’t want to do, something that prevented them from getting what they needed, but did it so that you could get what you needed? It’s a common and often celebrated claim, sacrificing one’s own wants and needs so that someone else can be happy. “But I did it for you.” These can be dangerous and complicated words. For the recipient of that “generosity,” it often doesn’t feel good or end well.
A woman recently told me that she was staying in a marraige with a man she didn’t love and who made her feel bad about herself, but she was doing it for her teenage kids. She shared that her own mother had given up her career and stayed home with her and her siblings (despite clearly not wanting to be a stay-at-home mom) but that she’d made that choice for her, so that she and her sisters could have the family her mother never got to have. Her mother, as she framed it, had abandoned her own wants and needs so that she could have a happy childhood.
When I asked her what it was like to be raised by a mother who sacrificed her own needs and wasn’t happy, she said one word: “terrible.”
When someone doesn’t take care of themselves so that we can be happy, they’re not usually happy, and we’re not happy either. It’s a lose-lose situation. Their choice to give up what they want and need—for us (or so they say)—makes us responsible for their sacrifice, and worse, responsible for their unhappiness. At the end of the day, we are to blame for their not getting what they want and often their subsequent resentment. And yet, this choice is one they made on their own, without consulting us about whether it’s what we wanted. Having a parent or anyone we’re close to who makes these sorts of choices and claims is hurtful, frustrating, and infuriating.
This kind of parent claims martyrdom in giving you this experience, but often, it’s an experience you didn’t want, and certainly didn’t want if it came with the subsequent dissatisfaction and unhappiness with which it usually comes (which they also deny). Children of such parents often want to say, “But I didn’t ask you to do that!” There’s no free lunch in these situations; nothing comes without strings and consequences. The idea that someone (even a parent) could give up their own wants and needs and do that without feeling angry, depressed or resentful, and without having certain expectations of you or feeling some sort of ambivalence or resentment toward you—as the reason they gave up what they wanted—is utterly mad and false.
When you’re the child of such a parent, you often feel burdened, angry, and hurt that you’re held responsible for their negative choices, for their unwillingness to take care of themselves. At the same time, you feel saddled with guilt for having unwillingly taken away what they wanted and, in some cases, ruined their life. Furthermore, this happiness that they claim to have given you, that they also often want credit for, was tarnished and toxified by their accompanying unhappiness, a fact that they usually refuse to acknowledge or own. Their choice not to take care of themselves impacted, well…everything. Their martyrdom didn’t come without profound consequences—for you.
Simultaneously, one of the most challenging experiences for someone raised by this kind of parent, the one who mistreats herself “for you,” is that it makes it nearly impossible to prioritize yourself in your own life, to take care of your own needs and honor what you want. It makes it preposterous to imagine that you matter, and that your own wanting could ever be enough of a reason to take action. The model that’s set in this dysfunctional, enmeshed system of “I give up what I need so you can have what you need” conveys the message, loud and clear, that one’s own needs are not as important as other people’s needs.
Furthermore, in this for you system, needs are a zero-sum game. That is, if I get what I need, it means that someone else won’t get what they need, which again is false. It’s not either or, it’s both and. If your parent gets what they need, you have a far better chance of getting what you need. But this model of martyrdom is one that’s incredibly sticky, infused with guilt and excruciatingly difficult to break out of. Ultimately, this sort of parent teaches you to put yourself last on the list. She sets up a system in which if you dare to take care of your own needs, then you are somehow selfish and bad, someone for whom it’s all about you. The message received is that you should take what she did and all that she gave up for you as the gold standard of worthiness and behave accordingly in your own life.
It’s often the case that someone who mistreats herself by not taking care of her own needs (supposedly for you) is someone who is simply unable to prioritize herself, who feels anxious and undeserving of her own self-care, and who probably was taught the same dysfunctional model by her own parent. Someone who was taught that her needs were not important and that it was selfish to consider what she wanted. And so, she continues acting out that inability and anxiety—on (not for) you—claiming a justifiable reason for it, seeking martyrdom as an excuse for not being able to care about herself.
As parents, our happiness and well-being are the greatest gifts we can give our children, better than anything they could ever receive through our sacrificial unhappiness. In fact, what every child wants more than anything is for their parent to be happy; one of the worst things a parent can burden their child with is their own unhappiness and resentment, and even worse, the belief that their unhappiness is because of that child. When we take care of our own needs, when our children know that we can be trusted to take care of ourselves, then they don’t have to worry about us, then they are free—free to take care of themselves and free to focus on their own needs and create the life they want. Our children are not responsible for our happiness; our happiness is our responsibility. And indeed, our own well-being and the acknowledgment of its importance provide them with strength, power, self-worth, and ultimately, freedom. What’s most important is that we show our kids that we love and care about them and also love and care about ourselves, and that our needs matter. This then teaches them that it’s OK (and good) to love and care about themselves and that their needs matter. To provide them with this wisdom is to set them up for a fulfilling and happy life.
