Part 6 in a series.
In the last article, I discussed the deep-seated fears associated with telling the truth and why disruption and potential loss of connection in a relationship can feel like death. And furthermore, why these fears are so deep in our wiring; why our nervous system goes on high alert at the idea of sharing an unwanted truth, often when the threat we feel doesn’t match the reality of the situation. At the root of our unwillingness to tell the truth is our strongest and most primal drive—the drive to survive. Put simply, we want to stay alive, and so we learn to alter our truth to make other people happy, which then makes other people want to be around us and love us. If other people stay, we’re safe—we will survive.
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But there is a way through this fear—to tell the truth with your fear present, and not deny or force the fear away or shut down your truth altogether. There is a way through that allows you to be more honest and less afraid of conflict and potential disapproval. There is a way through that includes the courage to be disliked. With compassion for your own nervous system and the deeply-wired terror that comes with the potential loss of connection, there is a way to live more honestly. It’s possible to be more forthcoming even with unwanted truths, and to feel less threatened by disruption and the prospect of being disappointing or displeasing.
Ultimately, we can redefine safety such that it comes not only from stability in a relationship, but also from staying safe externally, and from building a safe ground internally. Safety, internally, comes from knowing and acknowledging our own truth—with clarity and most importantly, kindness. When we’re clear and grounded in our truth, no matter how or to whom we share it, we find a safe refuge. True safety is not about our relationship with anyone else, it’s about our relationship with ourselves; it’s about the capacity to love ourselves and stay present with whatever experience arises. Safety, at the core, is about our own unbreakable presence—not anyone else’s.
So, where do we begin and how do we launch this third stage in the “truthing” process, where we move from fear into this new way of being in relationship that feels more satisfying and fundamentally trustworthy?
First, we need to get clear inside ourselves; what is our experience—what’s the reality that we’re afraid to share. Say, for example, someone does something that hurts us, but we don’t share it because of the possible repercussions, the defensiveness or accusations that it will trigger, we first need to name and feel the hurt that their behavior creates for us, and to understand the need that is not being met—for ourselves. We need to get clear on what we want to feel that we’re not feeling now.
Step one is always to connect with our own truth, our actual experience—what we feel and think that we don’t share. To understand and acknowledge the truth, this internal reality (with kindness), and to name the experience we ultimately long for. This knowing and acknowledging process happens before we utter a single word.
Once we’re clear inside ourselves and have acknowledged our own truth, to ourselves; once we know what our non-negotiables are, what we can and cannot live with as a truth, we’re ready to reality-test.
As it stands now, we tend to relate to all potential disruptions in connection as equally ominous and threatening. Regardless of whether our experience is one that may create slight defensiveness in another person, or one that could lead to a serious rupture and risk home and family, our nervous system reacts to it with the same code-red response. All unwanted truths seem to carry the same weight and potential to threaten our survival; once the system is tripped off, it’s an on or off switch with no dial for degree and no consideration of reality.
That said, before we speak any truth, we want to be clear on the realistic consequences. Because the body goes straight to emergency mode and shuts down any further consideration of telling the truth, we need to slow the process down and bring some discernment to the situation. We can ask ourselves, what is the real threat here if I say this? While deep down I may be afraid that if this other person knows I feel this way, they will abandon me and I will be left alone to die, and while I understand that this fear is deeply wired into me, still, what is true in reality? Have I ever lived through a conversation like this before? Realistically, what might happen if I share this truth?
In the next part of this series, I’ll offer some real-world strategies for speaking your truth—strategies that allow you to feel strong, present, and real—and also safe. I’ll discuss what needs to be considered and how you can take back the reins so that it’s not just your nervous system making decisions. Ultimately, you will shift from survival mode, which means being pleasing-at-all-cost, to a wise and discerning, self-compassionate way of being in relationship, one that includes more truth, and a more real and whole version of you.
