True safety is being able to stay present, no matter what reaction you receive.
In the previous article in this series, I suggested that women aren’t afraid of conflict itself, but what conflict has historically cost them—connection, approval, and safety. So too, I proposed “a way through.” That is, a way to speak your truth, even when it’s unwanted, that allows you to honor our understandable fear, and also consider your actual reality. It doesn’t mean ignoring the potential consequences, but at the same time, not letting the fear dictate your behavior, with no alternatives other than silence or inauthenticity.
In other words, how to heal the dread associated with being displeasing and disapproved of that stems from your conditioning, generational history and experience. And furthermore, a way through that helps you discern the actual reality you face—the real not imagined threats to your safety, and whether you can survive them. And finally, a path with real-life strategies that take both your fear and the reality of the situation into consideration and practice. So that you can be more truthful and also feel safe.
But in order to find true safety, the sort that’s powerful enough to overcome even deeply-ingrained fears that live in the wires of our nervous system, what’s needed is more than mindful communication strategies. In fact, we need to redefine our whole notion of safety, what it means, what it requires, and how to create it. We need to cultivate a new and different version of safety, one that we can trust in all kinds of inclement emotional weather, a version that’s fundamentally in our control.
What you’ve always thought was necessary to survive, and what you’ve always believed protected you from harm, in fact, need to change and evolve. In order to free your voice and find the courage to speak it out loud, to trust that you can be fully known, and move from paralysis to action, a seed-change in the meaning of safety is called for.
As it stands, our definition of safety is external; it’s reliant on the outcome of our honesty. In short, I can be truthful if you can handle it (and still like me after knowing my truth). I can be honest if the relationship can stay smooth and peaceful with my honest experience on the table. In our current version, safety is something others provide for us; safety is given or taken away. But safety when it comes from the outside is fragile, transient, and not in our control. We’re constantly in danger of losing it. We’re constantly on shaky ground.
What’s needed, ultimately, is a shift from external ground to internal ground. True safety is not dependent on whether our truth creates discomfort, rupture, or uncertainty in the relationship. Safety is about how we are with discomfort, or anything else difficult. True safety is the ability to stay present and connected to ourselves even when the relationship feels shaky, and even when the other person is defensive, angry, dysregulated, withdrawn or anything else that used to destroy us.
Safety is not agreement. It’s not harmony or smoothness. It’s not about the other person staying regulated, comfortable or kind when they know our truth. It’s not about the other person always liking what they hear from us. True safety, the kind that we can genuinely trust, is something entirely different. Safety when it’s built on internal ground is knowing that we won’t abandon ourselves no matter how the other person reacts or the relationship wobbles or shakes. We are safe because we always have ourselves; we’re always home; we’re always present and will remain present in whatever comes, and will always stay on our own side.
Real safety is not about being bolder or stronger or more positive or confident. It’s not about convincing ourselves that all will be well and go smoothly. It’s about trusting that even if it doesn’t go well and even if it’s not smooth and we’re not well-received, that we can be with it, stay connected—with ourselves, even when the relational connection feels threatened. What makes us feel genuinely strong and secure is knowing that we can handle whatever comes and that we’re not going away, and will not disappear.
Safety isn’t the promise that nothing will go wrong. It’s knowing we can stay present if and when it does.
Ultimately, as women, we need to change our model of safety from something external that others gift us with to a state of being that’s internal—a capacity within ourselves. From something fragile that relies on other people’s reactions to the capacity to be honest with ourselves and trust our own inner presence. The truth is, when we can trust our own un-shakable presence, we can survive discomfort and everything else. It’s at this stage that conflict stops feeling like annihilation.
Once we’ve established this trust in our capacity to be with whatever comes, and shifted our notion of safety from external to internal, the boots-on-the-ground practice begins. Because we trust ourselves, however, does not mean that we speak our truth willy-nilly. It does not mean that we don’t consider the real consequences that can come from honesty. It doesn’t mean that we don’t use wise discernment in choosing how we express our truth. In Part 6, I will address the process of speaking both truthfully and wisely, in a way that, most importantly, takes good care of you.
