Learn the easiest way to be a really good friend.
Loneliness is our society’s biggest mental health challenge; it’s an epidemic. People across every age group describe feeling disconnected and alone, missing a sense of community and deep friendships.
Our reliance on technology, the fact that we spend our days interacting with screens and talking to bots, not people, working in isolation; the geographic scattering of families and the disappearance of community pillars; the overall shift in our values as a society, with “progress” having replaced contentment; all of it contributes to the situation in which we now find ourselves. People are connected around the clock, but don’t feel connected to each other. And maybe more frighteningly, we are losing the skill of even knowing how to connect, to form deep friendships and meaningful bonds.
As a therapist for over 30 years, I hear a lot about loneliness and often about loneliness that exists within relationships, the feeling so many people describe of having “friends” but not feeling particularly close to those “friends,” and the lightness and superficiality that characterizes many friendships these days. And I hear about what people really want and need from their relationships—what makes them feel connected and cared for and what makes them feel lonely. In this way, I have an inside view into what helps and heals our loneliness. That said, I want to suggest one simple practice that can move the dial when it comes to loneliness, a small gesture we can make that creates connection and can profoundly change and enrich our relationships. A small practice with an enormous impact—a profoundly powerful way to cultivate closeness, deepen, strengthen, and build connection in your friendships and relationships overall. Something it seems obvious one would do instinctively (but in fact is rarely done), a practice which, ultimately, will help you feel less disconnected and alone in a society in which disconnection and loneliness are the norm.
A case in point: Jane and Melly.
Jane texted her good friend Melly to ask if she had a moment to speak by phone. Within moments, the phone rang, and Melly was on the other end, asking what was up. Jane shared that she’d received some scary test results from her doctor. She wouldn’t know anything for a couple of weeks and would have to meet with a specialist to do follow-up testing and figure out what the next right steps would be. She was frightened, however, and Melly, at the time, was reassuring and kind.
Over the next week, the two women texted daily, as they usually did, about all sorts of topics, but not about Jane’s health situation, and not about the fear she was carrying in her heart, or the anxiety that was wallpapering all of her other activities. They just went back to their usual way of talking about regular life. The following weekend, Jane and Melly met for coffee as was their ritual on Saturday mornings. And again, Melly didn’t raise the topic of Jane’s health, ask her if she had any more information about it, or bring up how she was feeling about it. Nothing. It was just a regular conversation about their work, kids, dogs, the sports team they followed, and all the rest of life’s stuff. It had been a lively and fun coffee date, as theirs always were, but when Jane got home, she felt sad, disconnected, and profoundly lonely.
Because they were good friends, Jane decided to tell Melly how she felt, and to simply ask her why she hadn’t brought up Jane’s health situation, or followed up in some way about the heaviness and fear she was carrying in her heart. Melly felt terrible about her choice not to bring it up, but explained that she didn’t want to insert the dark topic if Jane didn’t want to think about it or “go there” at that moment. She figured that she was giving Jane some relief in getting to just chit-chat about their usual life nonsense and not having to think about the hard stuff for a bit. And if Jane wanted to talk about her fear, she would bring it up. She was being respectful, or so she thought, by giving her space and allowing her to take a break from the hard stuff.
In Part 2 of this post, I will offer an alternative to our standard way of relating and a simple but radical path to end our loneliness.
