For women, the ultimate foreplay happens in small moments throughout the day.
Diving into an article on sex, you might expect advice on love notes slipped into pockets, date nights in new locations, or, maybe, wearing a trench coat with nothing underneath—all good ideas and certainly ways to build sexiness in a relationship. But I want to address a different aspect of sexual desire, one that on first blush may not sound that sexy, but, in fact, delivers far more bang for its buck than all the trench coats you can drop to the floor.
The most important sex organ in the body, for women, is not below the waist, but rather above the shoulders. That powerful sex organ is the mind. The mind tells the rest of the body I am available for sex, or conversely, I am not available. The mind is the gatekeeper for physical intimacy. That said, if a woman feels emotionally connected to her partner, she is a thousand times (not an evidence-based statistic) more likely to want to have sex with that partner.
We tend to think of foreplay as something that happens in the bedroom, just before sex, as a kind of warmup exercise to prepare the mind and body for what’s to come, like stretching before a run. But foreplay is actually something that happens all day, from the breakfast table to the final toothbrushing. In fact, the least important part of foreplay may be what happens in the bedroom.
Men often view foreplay as a physical activity they do for their partner right before intercourse, to get her aroused mentally and physically and to lubricate the process. This is certainly a part of foreplay, but just a small part. The problem so many women describe is that their male partners don’t make the link (at least not with the clarity women do) between the way they listen to their partner, the quality of their attention throughout the day, and her interest in having sex later that night. For many men, the way they attend to their partner emotionally in the 16 hours leading up to intercourse is completely separate from the sexual event itself. The day is one thing and the night is another—with no thread line between the two. How they engaged with their partner that day has little connection with their partner’s willingness, desire, and availability to engage in intimacy when the time comes.
Feeling an Emotional Connection
The problem is that the strongest aphrodisiac for many women is connection—feeling emotionally connected to their partner. What so many women describe as the ultimate turn on is being listened to. Women tell me again and again that intimacy is most likely to happen when they feel heard, seen, and understood by their partner, when they can share their truth without being told what to do about it. Whether she’s in the mood often comes down to whether her partner was willing to listen and be with her with his full attention, if only for a few moments in the day. The ultimate aphrodisiac may be to simply land in her company and stop trying to get somewhere else.
So, too, women report a greater desire and willingness to have sex when their partner expresses interest in them, when they’re asked substantive questions, not just about the logistics of their life, but about how they are in the midst of those logistics. Women describe the aphrodisiac effect of a partner who’s able to listen with an open mind and heart, without a solution, correction, or answer; without judgment or defensiveness; and without assuming to know her experience.
Small Communications, Touches, and Glances
At the same time, the opportunity for foreplay exists in the seemingly throw-away comments that happen in everyday life: “The birds are singing, so spring must be coming.” “Wow, look at the light coming through the window.” “This coffee you made is perfect.” While these comments technically don’t require a response, in fact, they do need to be acknowledged, if only to confirm that they’ve been received and they matter. These small communications may look irrelevant, but they are important in a relational sense. They are, in fact, “bids” for connection (as the relationship expert John Gottman calls them), micro attempts to connect and create intimacy. When left unattended, unresponded to, or ignored, they break the connection and often leave a woman feeling invisible and irrelevant, and even resentful. When acknowledged, however, these small acknowledgments, particularly when offered with kindness, go a long way in making a woman feel like her thoughts matter. And, ultimately, like she matters. That said, when considering the amount of effort they require, the return on the investment is substantial.
Foreplay is also layered into the small touches and glances that occur in a day, when a hand is placed at the small of the back, or a glance is held for an extra beat. These deeply intimate gestures carry a lot of bang for their buck. They create closeness and, over the course of a day, add up to and create a climate of connection.
Men often report that their wives don’t want to have sex with them, at least not enough. Depending on their story, my advice is frequently the same:
- Listen when your partner speaks.
- When you’re with her, be with her, present and not distracted.
- Remember what she says. Ask follow-up questions.
- Ask her questions about herself, not just the contents of her life.
- Try to simply understand her experience—not solve, explain, improve, or do anything with it. (Listen to her without yourself in the way.)
- Show her that you hear her by responding or acknowledging her words.
- Offer small touches and glances throughout the day.
If you’re in a relationship with a woman and want to have more sex with her, don’t worry so much about upping your technique or sexual game. Instead, focus on how you can pay better attention, listen more attentively, know her more deeply, and be more present with her. Approach the small moments and conversations in a day as your real foreplay, and the most powerful lubricant for a juicy evening.
