You Can’t Change Someone Else But You Can Do This
So many things bother us—people, mostly. But pretty much everything has the power to upset our basic sense of well-being. Our tendency, when things bother us, is to blame the other person or situation for getting it wrong and thus causing our suffering. Once we have identified what we consider the cause of our disturbance, […]
How Long Should You Wait For Your Partner to Commit?
Commitment is a topic that brings a lot of couples into therapy. The word has a single definition, but it holds infinite meanings. For many people, commitment includes an emotional acknowledgment of a we, in that we are with each other and choose to be part of a couple. And on a practical level, it means the possibility of planning […]
Are You an Overgiver? When Life’s Demands Feel Overwhelming
As a psychotherapist, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Most people find modern life to be utterly overwhelming. The way we’ve designed our lives in this society doesn’t work, not really, and doesn’t promote well-being. We have too much on our plates. The amount of responsibility we carry and what we […]
Why Mindfulness Teaches Us How to Love
As a psychotherapist for nearly thirty years, I’ve heard every possible life situation. From the most sublime to the most horrific, I’ve accompanied clients, friends, family (and myself) through circumstances that would have seemed unfathomable and un-survivable in terms of the suffering involved. Along the way, I realized something unexpected and even paradoxical. Namely, that […]
Tech Will Never Replace Human Kindness
I had spent three hours on the computer trying to check in for my flight home to the United States. Again and again, I went through the same prompts, but at a certain point in the process, the “continue” button sent me back to the home page. There was a glitch in the system, and […]
When What You Need Is Not What Other People Need From You
Women play a lot of different roles for a lot of different people. The truth is, women, men, and non-binary, we all play parts in the world: someone’s parent, teacher, boss, employee, doctor, friend, daughter, ad infinitum. Relationships always contain who we are to and for other people. Women, however, often end up in the role of caregiver, taking care of […]
“Being Authentic” Is Not Always Telling Your Whole Truth
I write a lot about the importance of “speaking your truth,” building the courage to say what’s actually real for you, regardless of whether that truth is pleasing or disappointing to another person. In short, to communicate authentically and take the risk that it feels like such a move can require. And, indeed, speaking your […]
Responding Mindfully When Your Partner is Projecting On You
In my previous post on projection, I discussed two important skills for when your partner projects their “stuff” onto you. I encouraged awareness and empathy, and suggested that projection can paradoxically encourage connection; when you’re aware of what your partner is emotionally carrying, you can be more sensitive and speak directly to their emotional wounds, regardless of […]
Stop Apologizing For Your Truth
Women are trained to take care of other people’s feelings; through our conditioning, we learn early that it’s our job to make other people happy, to take care of other people’s experiences. And that it’s our fault and we should feel guilty if we don’t. Sharing a truth we think will be displeasing, inconvenient, or […]
How to Become Someone Who “Matters”
While “codependent” is not a clinical diagnosis or recognized personality disorder, it remains a widely-used term for someone who’s self-sacrificing, a caregiver who gives at the expense of her own well-being, and who enables her partner’s addictive or self-destructive behavior. Breaking behavior that could be described as codependent starts with greater self-awareness. Notice when you’re ignoring your own […]