Tech Will Never Replace Human Kindness
I had spent three hours on the computer trying to check in for my flight home to the United States. Again and again, I went through the same prompts, but at a certain point in the process, the “continue” button sent me back to the home page. There was a glitch in the system, and […]
When What You Need Is Not What Other People Need From You
Women play a lot of different roles for a lot of different people. The truth is, women, men, and non-binary, we all play parts in the world: someone’s parent, teacher, boss, employee, doctor, friend, daughter, ad infinitum. Relationships always contain who we are to and for other people. Women, however, often end up in the role of caregiver, taking care of […]
“Being Authentic” Is Not Always Telling Your Whole Truth
I write a lot about the importance of “speaking your truth,” building the courage to say what’s actually real for you, regardless of whether that truth is pleasing or disappointing to another person. In short, to communicate authentically and take the risk that it feels like such a move can require. And, indeed, speaking your […]
Responding Mindfully When Your Partner is Projecting On You
In my previous post on projection, I discussed two important skills for when your partner projects their “stuff” onto you. I encouraged awareness and empathy, and suggested that projection can paradoxically encourage connection; when you’re aware of what your partner is emotionally carrying, you can be more sensitive and speak directly to their emotional wounds, regardless of […]
Stop Apologizing For Your Truth
Women are trained to take care of other people’s feelings; through our conditioning, we learn early that it’s our job to make other people happy, to take care of other people’s experiences. And that it’s our fault and we should feel guilty if we don’t. Sharing a truth we think will be displeasing, inconvenient, or […]
How to Become Someone Who “Matters”
While “codependent” is not a clinical diagnosis or recognized personality disorder, it remains a widely-used term for someone who’s self-sacrificing, a caregiver who gives at the expense of her own well-being, and who enables her partner’s addictive or self-destructive behavior. Breaking behavior that could be described as codependent starts with greater self-awareness. Notice when you’re ignoring your own […]
How to Be Independent in Your Relationship: A New Model for Love
In Part 1 of this series, I examined what it feels like to need your partner’s approval in order to feel okay about yourself. Here, I’ll address some of the many complicated conditions that lead to this dynamic and some guidance for outgrowing this draining and disempowering relational paradigm. As I stated in the previous post, […]
When You Keep Getting Triggered by the Same Person (Part 1)
Dealing with a relationship that brings you back to old—and unwelcome—feelings and behaviors Jane, a client, was heading out to see her stepfather. She had described him as someone who talked incessantly about his importance and the remarkable things he’d accomplished (a lot of which weren’t true). At the same time, he’d never expressed curiosity […]
Can You Be Okay When Your Partner Is Not Okay?
While “codependent” is not a clinical diagnosis or recognized personality disorder, it remains a widely- used term for someone who’s self-sacrificing, a caregiver who gives at the expense of her own well-being, and who enables her partner’s addictive or self-destructive behavior. These tendencies show up in many forms, and are about much more than self-sacrifice and enabling addiction. In […]
A User’s Guide for Adding ‘No’ to Your Vocabulary
This post is Part 2 of a series. I ended Part 1 of this series on learning to say “no” by asking the question, How do we give ourselves permission to start incorporating ‘no’ into our life, and indeed into our very identity? How do we start living differently—with boundaries? The very uncomplicated answer is that we just do it; we […]