The key to deep intimacy in relationship is listening, but listening in a radically new way.
Most of us, when listening, are doing one of two things and sometimes both. First, we are scanning for danger: is there something that our partner is expressing that conflicts with what we experience or believe. If so, then we think that our own experience or belief is threatened, as is the relationship itself. We are taught that our partner’s truth must align with our own—or else someone’s truth and thus someone must be wrong.
We listen with the word “but” (not “and”) as our guide. If our partner shares an experience or thought that is different from our own, we connect the two experiences with the word “but” which implies that the experience on one side or the other is invalid, rejected, and… (Read more https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201610/the-key-intimacy-is-radical-listening-0)