What Is Forgiveness and How Do You Do It?
What is forgiveness and how does it happen? We talk so much about forgiveness, throw around so many slogans, and yet it seems that we all have radically different ideas about what it actually means. We want to know how to forgive and yet it can be very hard to achieve or practice something that we don’t […]
Why We Hold Grudges and How to Let Them Go
These people are not isolated examples or peculiar in any way. Many people hold grudges, deep ones, that can last a lifetime. Many are unable to let go of the anger they feel towards those who “wronged” them in the past, even though they may have a strong desire and put in a concerted effort to do […]
What We Want Most From Relationships But Rarely Get
Most couples come to see me to learn better communication skills—or at least that’s what they say in the first session. What gets described as communication problems, however, are in fact usually listening problems. The truth is, we’re not very good listeners; we don’t know (and are not taught) how to listen to each other, at least […]
You Can’t Change Someone Else But You Can Do This
So many things bother us—people, mostly. But pretty much everything has the power to upset our basic sense of well-being. Our tendency, when things bother us, is to blame the other person or situation for getting it wrong and thus causing our suffering. Once we have identified what we consider the cause of our disturbance, […]
How Long Should You Wait For Your Partner to Commit?
Commitment is a topic that brings a lot of couples into therapy. The word has a single definition, but it holds infinite meanings. For many people, commitment includes an emotional acknowledgment of a we, in that we are with each other and choose to be part of a couple. And on a practical level, it means the possibility of planning […]
Are You an Overgiver? When Life’s Demands Feel Overwhelming
As a psychotherapist, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Most people find modern life to be utterly overwhelming. The way we’ve designed our lives in this society doesn’t work, not really, and doesn’t promote well-being. We have too much on our plates. The amount of responsibility we carry and what we […]
Why Mindfulness Teaches Us How to Love
As a psychotherapist for nearly thirty years, I’ve heard every possible life situation. From the most sublime to the most horrific, I’ve accompanied clients, friends, family (and myself) through circumstances that would have seemed unfathomable and un-survivable in terms of the suffering involved. Along the way, I realized something unexpected and even paradoxical. Namely, that […]
Tech Will Never Replace Human Kindness
I had spent three hours on the computer trying to check in for my flight home to the United States. Again and again, I went through the same prompts, but at a certain point in the process, the “continue” button sent me back to the home page. There was a glitch in the system, and […]
When What You Need Is Not What Other People Need From You
Women play a lot of different roles for a lot of different people. The truth is, women, men, and non-binary, we all play parts in the world: someone’s parent, teacher, boss, employee, doctor, friend, daughter, ad infinitum. Relationships always contain who we are to and for other people. Women, however, often end up in the role of caregiver, taking care of […]
“Being Authentic” Is Not Always Telling Your Whole Truth
I write a lot about the importance of “speaking your truth,” building the courage to say what’s actually real for you, regardless of whether that truth is pleasing or disappointing to another person. In short, to communicate authentically and take the risk that it feels like such a move can require. And, indeed, speaking your […]